So today I am a conflicted Magpye. Part of me is very happy, because my husband has just announced a surprise vacation he has planned and next Thursday we are headed to Napa Valley for a long weekend of wine tasting, Redwood gazing, beaching, and just relaxing, the two of us, no kids, no stress. I was so proud of him, he made all the reservations and planned the whole thing – I’m totally excited! We haven’t had a trip since January of last year when we went to Hawaii – and his work paid for all that. This indicates real effort! So I go into work this morning, and I ask my boss if I can have just two days off next week. I don’t take a whole week at a time like some co-workers, not that they don’t have every right to do so – why, as a matter of fact I just spent last week covering for a co-worker who took a week’s vacation. And as sometimes happens, when you devote 2/3 of your day doing someone else’s job, your work can tend to pile up just a bit. Well I ask my boss for those two days, and he says that’s fine, so woo-hoo, everything is hunky-dory. I apply for the time off in the system, and go on about my day – I’m trying hard to get my workload under control as soon as possible. Halfway through the day, I get an email from my boss asking me to start sending him a daily report of how much work I get done. Hm. Okay, I respond that’s fine, no problem, and I get back to work. But I can’t quite shake the feeling that something’s up… Finally, towards the end of the day, I find an email from my boss (who has logged out and left). It states that although he approved my time off, I will need to complete x-amount of work on a daily basis between now and then in order to be allowed my short little vacation. People, am I being childish here? I am the go-to person on my team, any time anyone needs help or someone is out and needs to be covered I am unceremoniously removed from my duties and directed to fill in for that person – which, by the way, I do with a glad heart, because I know I am contributing to my team when it’s needed – I actually convinced myself my boss knew I could be counted on to come through whenever needed. Then something like this just makes me feel like I’m busting my hump only to be looked down on by a person who simply does not want to see me in a positive light. And you know what? I STILL refuse to let that affect my work, my disposition, or my respect for my boss. Sometimes I wonder if that just makes it worse. The daily goal he set for me has BEEN my daily goal for months, and other than when I’m doing other people’s work, I always meet and often exceed it. WHATEVER!! Deep breaths… cleansing thoughts… Napa Valley… sunshine… beaches… suntan… wine tasting… Speaking of which – I need another beer. Cheers…
Posts Tagged ‘relationships’
The Good, The Bad, and the Unappreciated….
July 24, 2012Little Jagged Hole
March 13, 2009The day dawns cold but bright
Chug chug, off to work
Never enough time, can’t even see my desk
Always worried my time is coming
He leaves today
Another round-the-world trip
Another two weeks at home with the boys
Our boys, our silly goofy boys
And that little, nagging, jagged hole
She left.
It looks much smaller than it is
But I keep telling my self it’s hardly there
That little place
Where she ripped herself out of my life,
Out of my family.
That little place that’s empty now
We all pretend not to see it
But it’s always there
And it’s not always a bad thing
But it’s always there.
I tell her goodnight every night
Even though I know she isn’t listening.
At least she knows I think of her
And I still see
That little, nagging, jagged hole.
Thoughts and Changes
March 10, 2009Leaning against the back porch
Cool breeze on my cheek from the new fallen snow
Two silly dogs crunching at the ice on the deck
Enjoying the early evening calm
Once again asking the constant question,
Did I make the right decision?
I see my furniture back in it’s old places
I wake to the sounds and smells of family
This is my home, my family, my husband.
I am home.
Definitely, yes.
Fly in the ointment
February 20, 2009So, things are going pretty well with the marriage counseling and the hubby and I are feeling pretty good about the progress we are making. I think we both see improvements in each other and our ability to listen and respect each other, and that’s been a huge improvement. We are definitely headed in the right direction.
Here’s the problem: my daughter is absolutely against the whole thing. She won’t even entertain the idea that we might work things out, she has said she won’t move back in to the house if that’s what I decide to do, and when I suggested she accompany us for some counseling, the next thing I know I got an angry phone call from her father about what I was supposedly “forcing” her to do against her will.
This kid has spent the last six months overinflating every negative encounter she has ever had with my husband and convinced herself he is Satan in human form, which he certainly is not. In fact, overall he has not been nearly as disciplinary with her as I have been. Now, everyone else in the family is willing to put the past behind us and work on the tools we need to move forward in a more positive way, except her. She absolutely will not let go of every tiny little injustice she feels she’s been dealt, from as far back as second grade (she is going on seventeen). And her dad is just fueling the fire. He uses terms like ‘outcast’ to describe her and it makes me absolutely nuts. She has never been treated like anything but a complete and total member of my family, often to her disliking.
So what am I supposed to do? If I let her move in with her dad full time, I can guarantee her diploma and any purposeful future will go right down the drain. But I have spent sixteen years trying to love this disrespectful, hateful little user, and when is it time for ME to get a break? I have tried, and tried, and tried… and her affection and respect for me only go as far as what she’s getting from me. The minute ‘NO’ comes in to the picture, I’m a rotten bad guy all over again. People, I am so exhausted. She has worn my heart right out.
My husband feels hurt, and is hurting for me right now that she would turn away from me and her brothers simply to avoid the effort of making a new start with him. She can’t face the fact that she has been truly awful to him over the years, and our entire family has spent a great deal of time walking on eggshells as a result of her moods and tempers.
So what do I do? How can I move forward? I have told her I will never choose between her and my husband, but it seems she HAS made a choice… how do I deal with that?
Self-Affirmation
February 5, 2009Long nights of half-sleep
Anxiety over the nothing
Plodding through the tight stomach days
Living for the sunshine on my face
Slowly shrugging off the nonproductive habits
Learning to be okay with it all
Looking at life from a fair perspective
Taking stock of where I am and how I got myself here
Assessing what’s really important
Letting myself be human, even in my own eyes
Taking responsibility
Setting a better example for my children
Trying to put my life back together
Reminding myself what I can be capable of
Allowing myself to hope
Setting my sights on what I deserve
Communicating in positive ways
Developing better tools to relate
I will be okay.
I will be OKAY.
Brain scans, and other things
January 23, 2009So, I came home from work yesterday to find a voicemail on my message machine from the eye doctor’s assistant saying they had already scheduled my MRI appointment for this coming Monday. I have to arrive an hour early so they can give me the little pill that makes it okay to shove me all the way in that tight little tube and leave me there for an hour while all the horrible noises go on all around me. And since they’re giving me the little pill, I have to have someone to drive me home.
This is ridiculous. I have such a high tolerance to the little pill, they could give me three or four and I could still pass a field sobriety test without blinking. Oh, I know it’s procedure, its protocol, it’s for the hospital’s safety as well as my own… but it’s still stupid. Now I have to hope my husband will be available to drive me all the way uptown in the middle of the day Monday, which I won’t know until he gets back from Italy, which won’t be until late Sunday night, by which time it will be far too late to reschedule. Arrrgh, why do things have to be so complicated all the time?? On a lighter note, I started taking the medication he prescribed, and maybe it’s too soon to tell, but my eye seems steadier already…
I thought it would be nice housesitting for a week while my husband was away, being back in my house again, but I find that staying there as a visitor is really bizarre and frustrating. Things are weird right now; I’m feeling pulled halfway between two worlds – the married world and the separated world, and I don’t feel like I belong entirely in either one right now. I feel… displaced, I guess. It’s an odd feeling, and I don’t know quite what to do with it.
Part of me is sure that eventually I will move back home and resume my marriage. But another part of me believes that to do so would only continue the unhappiness I had been feeling for years. Things seem much better now, but is it only because I’m gone? He treats me differently, but is it only because he’s trying to get me back home? Would it last, or would he go back to being the same indifferent, distant roommate he was before? I know this is why we are in counseling. And it’s early yet. But I just wish there were easy answers, and I know there aren’t. What to do, what to do??
You’re officially invited
January 2, 2009
So hey there, my faithful readers (I can never seem to write that without snickering to myself in my mind sarcastically), I am wondering just how many of you really read my blog, and how many are just random posts on alphainventions.com. So, I am inviting you to my chat room. Of course, it’s not MY chatroom, it’s owned and run by ICQ.Com, and that’s the website you’ll need to visit to get there. You can either create an account, or go straight to the chat page as a guest. Under General, there is a room called ‘LOST”. That is where I spend most of my time. Due to certification issues, my screen name there is ‘Maggpye”.
Anyone who wants to drop in, I’m usually around once or twice a day, or you can say hi to my buddies Tony50, LOST, Verbal Assasin (who is cranky, I’ll warn you,) Amos, Bellz, Acataleptic, Blue Mule, Evil Monkey, and everyone else. Don’t be shy, just jump right in and start talking with people – You’ll be amazed how addicting it can become… I’m truly interested to see if I meet any of you there!
See you soon, I hope!
So Long, 2008…
December 31, 2008
Well, this has been one of the most bizarre years of my adult life.
I entered it in a stable marriage, a secure job, a comfortable house, and good financial status.
I am leaving it in a state of separation, a job I worry about keeping, a cold basement apartment, and never enough cash to stretch from one pay day to the next.
It’s been interesting.
In between there have been lost loves, internet relationships, and plenty of heartache and heartbreak. It has been tough learning to be on my own, but I really think I am making progress. It’s hard, and it’s lonely, but if there’s one resolution I make for 2009, it will be that I refuse to sacrifice my self, my personality, my happiness, to appease a man. I have rediscovered what it’s like to really be able to just be me… and I like me.
My husband and I are getting along well, spending some time together, and will start counseling in January. But I have been very clear that I have made no promises, aloud or inferred, that I will be returning home. It seems I like him as a friend, but as a husband? I still have no idea if we’ll ever get back to that point. Much change is needed.
My kids will return from my parent’s place in Southern Utah on Sunday; I have missed them and can’t wait to see their little faces again (reminding myself they’re just not so little anymore). School starts up again Monday, and life resumes as normal again for everyone… well, as normal as it can be right now.
So what will 2009 bring? Hard to imagine. So many things in the air right now, I can’t possibly predict what might happen next… but stay tuned, faithful readers, it’s sure to be entertaining!
It Happened….
December 22, 2008Maybe it’s the fact that it’s almost upon us… maybe it’s the look of all the presents under the tree… maybe it’s the fact that my doctor just upped my antidepressants… but I have to admit, the Christmas Spirit has actually finally hit me. Just sauntered on up and whopped me upside the head, it did. Totally took me by surprise, too – I certainly wasn’t feeling very Christmas-y and wasn’t expecting to this year. Sure, I was putting on a brave face for the kids, but man, I sure wasn’t feeling it.
Then Saturday I went shopping with my husband, picked up the last few things I needed. He and I have been spending more time together and doing a lot of talking, and that’s been going well. We have decided to have the family Christmas together, and I feel really good about that.
Then I went home, and wrapped and wrapped… when I stood back and surveyed my little tree and all the gifts beneath it, I found myself saying a little prayer of thanks. I don’t know how I pulled it off, but I did. I did good for my kids this year, all by myself. I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas morning when they see what’s in store.
I took a little gift upstairs to my neighbors, and was greeted with the news that their twin girls had been born Friday evening, healthy and beautiful. What an awesome Christmas gift for them! I can’t wait to see them, hold them… then hand them back….
I don’t know how it happened, or exactly when, or why. But sometime in the last few days, somehow, my heart got filled up. I had forgotten what that feels like, and I’m tearing up even as I write this, because it’s a good feeling and I don’t want it to go away. I feel like the Grinch when his heart grew two (or was it three? I can’t remember) sizes bigger all at once.
You know what? Life is good.