But it’s GOOD STUFF, Maynard!!!

November 2, 2012

Well the boys have the day off from school as it is the end of the quarter. Hubby is off doing office calls so it’s just us this morning, and I noted with mild dismay there was no cereal this morning.

Now, a few weeks ago at the store I spied a box of Malt-O-Meal in the cereal aisle… it occurred to me I had not enjoyed that breakfast treat since I was a kid, and now with additional morning time on my hands, well heck! I was gonna have me some Malt-O-Meal!

When I arrived home and the boys were helping me unload the groceries (such good boys they are once threatened) one looked at the box and said “What the heck is this stuff?” and I replied “It’s just like Cream of Wheat,” to which he crinkled his nose and said “What the heck is THAT?”

Seriously? Where have I gone wrong as a parent? My children know absolutely nothing of either of these wonderful breakfast treats? I mean yeah, on the weekends I have been known to whip up the best banana nut pancakes known to man, but my goodness! My favorite thing about staying with my grandparents as a kid was Cream of Wheat for breakfast.

So I tried to explain that the closest thing I could compare them to would be grits… now, I know we’re considered ‘yankees’ in that we do not live in the South, but I love grits, and will occasionally order them with breakfast on the few occasions when we go out. My children informed me they had never HEARD of grits.

What is wrong with these kids?

So I offered to make them Malt-O-Meal for breakfast this morning. I was answered with a resounding “NO” on all accounts.

I have two growing, teenage garbage disposals refusing a hot breakfast they don’t even have to make themselves.

I am a failure as a mother.


It’s Over? Already?

November 1, 2012

Well, poop. I took all these great pictures of my sons and I in costume and of our awesome pumpkins and the Pirate Graveyard, and today I can’t find the adapter cord to upload them onto the computer. For now all I have to share is this blurry cellphone picture of my Biker Zombie outfit.

NOTE: When you are experiencing record warmth on Halloween, I mean when it is 76 degrees on Halloween in Utah, wearing a costume that includes a heavy biker jacket can get rough. And when you have bad knees and a split-entry, and spend all night clomping up and down the stairs in clunky biker boots doing your best Zombie shuffle, please don’t plan on doing anything at all the next day.

That said, it was a fun night. I have long since stopped trying to get my husband to participate in any of the real festivities, he would rather get a colonoscopy than put on even the slightest indication of a costume for a few hours; however, as kids kept coming to the door and some of the younger ones were a little unnerved by my appearance, I slowly got him in on the fun by putting on a collar and chain and having him hold me at arm’s length from the kids as I drooled and slopped candy into their little bags. He didn’t realize he was having fun – and that’s usually how I have to make it happen – trick him into it. When I was married to my first husband, the one who now STILL lives with his mom and works basically to pay for ComiCon trips, I used to wear a T-shirt that said “My next husband will be normal.” Eighteen years into my relationship with this one (my REAL husband, I call him) I wish I had one that said “Be careful what you wish for.” But mission accomplished, fun was had by all. And if I never see another KitKat in my life, it will be too soon.

We got all ages of course, and I have to tell you, my favorites were the little tiny ones, who were all poised for the door to open and then they would get a look at me – They’d let out a “TRICK Or tree…” as their eyes got big and they fell silent. There were only a few who got worked up. My favorite was a sweet little four year old princess who said ‘trick or treat’, looked up in my face, and very calmly turned and walked off the porch. I had to promise her an extra piece of candy if she would come back, and even then her dad had to come off the sidewalk with her. I love that the parents in my area have a good sense of humor and I never get any flack for terrorizing the kids; then again I think they all know me as that crazy tattooed pirate lady who lives on the corner and know what to expect.

Today I can hardly walk, my knee keeps locking up on me, and my shoulders and wrists are so sore from wrestling all those pumpkins I can hardly pick up a bottle of water. My eyes are irritated and dry from the contact lenses, and I still have a faint red tinge all over my face from the fake blood. Even my teeth hurt from the fake choppers. And you know what? It was totally worth it.

Seriously, no more Halloween for a whole year?


Job Hunting, Probes and Pumpkins… Oh, My!

October 30, 2012

Well sorry friends and neighbors, I’ve been away for awhile – caught up in the frenzy of the job search, keeping the Division of Workforce Services happy – man, they are a lot tougher than they used to be! – getting caught up on all those pesky medical tests I never had time to get done with my work schedule, and of course preparing for Halloween – the best Holiday of the year.

First: Had the job interview. I thought it went really well, the one person (I was interviewed by four) that was tough was the lady I’d be reporting to, but I still thought I held my own and made a good impression. Haven’t heard much back, and when I saw the job re-posted last Friday I started getting a little antsy – so I started harassing my recruiter. Just got word this morning that they are having a lovely visit with the FDA, so immediately I understood why everything else was put on hold. I’ve had a couple other places report the same thing in the last few weeks, so I knew they were slinking around the area… so still waiting and trying to keep hopeful, but of course as a requirement of the whole unemployment benefits thing, I’m also applying to 4 new jobs every week. I just hope I can keep finding 4 reasonable postings to apply to while I wait for something to happen.

Second: Finally went and got that stupid EGD I’ve been putting off since June. I have Barret’s Esophagus, which is a pre-cancerous condition caused by years of Gastric Reflux on steroids… so I finally make the appointment, and you know they put you out and you have to have a ride home and all that – then my husband announces he’s going to be in Guam that week. Guam? Seriously? Who goes to Guam? Well my husband does, apparently. Fortunately I have a friend who was available to take me, and everything looks fine, and I don’t have to go back for three years. Yay!

Third: Halloween. My yard is a full-on Pirate Graveyard, complete with flags, pirate zombies, pirate heads on stakes, pirate headstones, pirate groundbreakers… you get the picture. We upped the ante this year with strobelights in the garden greenery and an eyeball rosebush.  Today is PUMPKIN DAY!! As  soon as I finish this post I will retreat to the back porch where I will begin cleaning out the 14 pumpkins that myself and my sons will carve – I am going with a Pirate theme this year (shocking!) as I have found great designs for Captn Jack, Barbossa, Davey Jones and the POTC skull and bones; the Mighty B is going with an Avengers theme – Thor, Iron Man, Loki and I think the Hulk. Mister J (I just can’t call him Little J anymore, especially since he towers about three inches over me, the little twerp) is interested in a zombie pumpkin and some Tim Burton characters if I remember correctly. We found this web site, zombiepumpkin.com I think it is, where for a nominal fee you can choose from a HUGE selection of some of the coolest designs I’ve ever seen. So I get to spend the afternoon doing all the dirty work and cleaning them out, so when the boys arrive home from school we can begin carving in earnest and display fresh and impressive jack-o-lanterns tomorrow night. Oh, and my costume? Zombie biker. I can’t be a Pirate EVERY year, after all…

I’ll keep you all informed on the job front, and hopefully have photos to share after Halloween.

Happy Boo Day, everyone!!


The Good News and The Bad News (Which Really Isn’t all that BAD)

October 17, 2012

Well, according to all the information I had been given, I was supposed to have had a job interview yesterday. I got a call Monday from my recruiter who said the guy from the company would be calling me that day to set it up, so I tiptoe danced around my house all day waiting for the phone to ring… and waited… and waited….

When five o’clock hit, I wondered, ‘Is he going to call first thing in the morning and make last-minute plans?’ Not that I would have complained, mind you – an interview is an interview!

He finally called just before six. He asked me if I could be available Thursday.


I wanted to HAVE the job by Thursday, I joked to my husband, who then had to explain to me that the hiring process can be slow and that I shouldn’t be expecting results that quickly anyway.

Really? My God, how do I live my life day after day during those hours when you aren’t there to help me understand everything about how the world works? URGH. This was only a short time after he had to explain to me some other ridiculously obvious fact of life like I was a four year old. Dude. Give me some credit.

But back to the story: The bad news obviously, is that I have to wait another few days before I have the interview. But on the positive side, while scheduling the interview the company guy asked me to set aside about three hours for the process, because he wants me to meet with about four different people while I’m there; this sounds more like a ‘skip the first interview and go straight to the callback’ type of deal. I know the company wants someone in the position like, yesterday, so I think it’s a good sign they want me to meet with everyone involved while I’m there; it sounds like they ARE hoping to be able to make a decision soon after.

Now I just need to work on getting up, sitting down and walking around without limping and groaning; I hear prospective employers can be concerned if you make it obvious your knees are shot, even if you never let that affect your ability to get your work done.

That and google the exact address since the guy couldn’t tell me what the actual location of the street is (?) and I’ll be ready to go…. Still got those fingers crossed? You can rest them for a minute… now cross again – Thanks everyone!!


Ah, the things we do for work….

October 15, 2012

So…. I have this job interview tomorrow. And as pragmatic as I’m trying to be, as hard as I’m working to NOT put all my eggs in one basket NOR count them as chickens before they are hatched – this job sounds like it was meant for me. I’ve had a few other nibbles, at least one other recruiter who has an opportunity he’d like to put me in for, but this one seems like the perfect fit.

So in addition to feeling hopeful and somewhat confident, I am also a bundle of nerves. What if it IS the perfect job for me, and I blow the interview?  I’ve taken appropriate precautions, I’ve changed my hair back to one natural color (BLEAH!) and selected a professional-looking outfit that even hides all my tattoos  (I’ve heard that’s a good thing); I’ve even rehearsed my answers to some of those typical sticky interview questions (“Why were you discharged from your last job?” Telling people it was your stupid jerk boss’s fault and you were just targeted and picked on is never well-received, but taking the right amount of personal responsibility while communicating the extenuating circumstances while maintaining appropriate brevity CAN BE TRICKY).

I’ve practiced ‘sparing, professional cosmetic application’ and made sure the shoes I’m wearing will be comfortable enough. I managed to dig out a modest pair of non-pirate earrings. I’m still looking for my traditional wedding ring to wear instead of my big Jolly Roger band; I know it’s around here somewhere. Now I just have to select my least pirate-y looking watch and make sure I wear my hair in such a way that it covers the skull and bones tattoo on my neck that is the bane of my mother’s existence.

I know I have a good, positive and pleasant personality that comes across well in interviews. I don’t remember having an interview that went really badly, and I know that in light of the job requirements for this position, my 20+ years of experience (yes I started when I was nine) will definitely help me come off as knowledgeable and capable.

I’m going to be fine, I know it. Is it stupid that I worry that being fat will deter people from wanting to hire me? I mean, I always have this niggling feeling that when my big ol’ ass shows up, maybe people think the size of one’s waistband correlates to their propensity for laziness. I’m a hard worker; I just really like ice cream.

I wonder if that would be a weird thing to put in ones’ cover letter….?


She ain’t Slinky… She’s the Magpye

October 10, 2012

Who sits at home,

On jobsites to roam,

Searching for jobs she can do,

She really wants work,

Not duties to shirk –

And maybe new challenges too;

The job market’s rough

And job hunting is tough

But she’s staying a course that is true,

But she’s learning to cope

And she even has hope

‘Cause next week she has an interview!

It’s Magpye! It’s Magpye!

She’s a smart and employable bird,

It’s Magpye! It’s Magpye!

(Too bad her last boss was a turd.)


Skinny, I Hardly Knew Ye

October 9, 2012

My weight is on the rise again, haroo, haroo,

My weight is on the rise again haroo, haroo,

My weight is on the rise again, I’m going up in size again;

They’re calling me Thunder Thighs again –

Skinny, I hardly knew ye.


Where are my feet I cannot see, haroo, haroo,

Where are my feet I cannot see, haroo, haroo,

Where are my feet I cannot see, they’re down there somewhere below the knee;

Now those cankles will never set them free –

Skinny I hardly knew ye.


My neck’s been killed by double chins, haroo, haroo,

My neck’s been killed by double chins, haroo, haroo,

My neck’s been killed by double chins,  I only had one but now they’re twins,

And it’s all a result of my snacking sins-

Skinny I hardly knew ye.


Where is the waist that I once had, haroo, haroo,

Where is the waist that I once had, haroo, haroo,

Where is the waist that I once had, the fit of my stretch pants is getting bad,

Well this fat crap is really making me mad –

Skinny I hardly knew ye.


I’m trying to get wise again, haroo, haroo,

I’m trying to get wise again, haroo, haroo,

I’m trying to get wise again, I’m pushing away the pies again,

Guess I’ll have to exercise again –

Skinny, I’m swearin’ to ye.

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