Little Jagged Hole

The day dawns cold but bright

Chug chug, off to work

Never enough time, can’t even see my desk

Always worried my time is coming

He leaves today

Another round-the-world trip

Another two weeks at home with the boys

Our boys, our silly goofy boys

And that little, nagging, jagged hole

She left.

It looks much smaller than it is

But I keep telling my self it’s hardly there

That little place

Where she ripped herself out of my life,

Out of my family.

That little place that’s empty now

We all pretend not to see it

But it’s always there

And it’s not always a bad thing

But it’s always there.

I tell her goodnight every night

Even though I know she isn’t listening.

At least she knows I think of her

And I still see

That little, nagging, jagged hole.

Thoughts and Changes

Leaning against the back porch

Cool breeze on my cheek from the new fallen snow

Two silly dogs crunching at the ice on the deck

Enjoying the early evening calm

Once again asking the constant question,

Did I make the right decision?

I see my furniture back in it’s old places

I wake to the sounds and smells of family

This is my home, my family, my husband.

I am home.

Definitely, yes.

Fly in the ointment

So, things are going pretty well with the marriage counseling and the hubby and I are feeling pretty good about the progress we are making. I think we both see improvements in each other and our ability to listen and respect each other, and that’s been a huge improvement. We are definitely headed in the right direction.

Here’s the problem: my daughter is absolutely against the whole thing. She won’t even entertain the idea that we might work things out, she has said she won’t move back in to the house if that’s what I decide to do, and when I suggested she accompany us for some counseling, the next thing I know I got an angry phone call from her father about what I was supposedly “forcing” her to do against her will.

This kid has spent the last six months overinflating every negative encounter she has ever had with my husband and convinced herself he is Satan in human form, which he certainly is not. In fact, overall he has not been nearly as disciplinary with her as I have been. Now, everyone else in the family is willing to put the past behind us and work on the tools we need to move forward in a more positive way, except her. She absolutely will not let go of every tiny little injustice she feels she’s been dealt, from as far back as second grade (she is going on seventeen). And her dad is just fueling the fire. He uses terms like ‘outcast’ to describe her and it makes me absolutely nuts. She has never been treated like anything but a complete and total member of my family, often to her disliking.

So what am I supposed to do? If I let her move in with her dad full time, I can guarantee her diploma and any purposeful future will go right down the drain. But I have spent sixteen years trying to love this disrespectful, hateful little user, and when is it time for ME to get a break? I have tried, and tried, and tried… and her affection and respect for me only go as far as what she’s getting from me. The minute ‘NO’ comes in to the picture, I’m a rotten bad guy all over again. People, I am so exhausted.  She has worn my heart right out.

My husband feels hurt, and is hurting for me right now that she would turn away from me and her brothers simply to avoid the effort of making a new start with him. She can’t face the fact that she has been truly awful to him over the years, and our entire family has spent a great deal of time walking on eggshells as a result of her moods and tempers.

So what do I do? How can I move forward? I have told her I will never choose between her and my husband, but it seems she HAS made a choice… how do I deal with that?

Self-Affirmation

Long nights of half-sleep

Anxiety over the nothing

Plodding through the tight stomach days

Living for the sunshine on my face

Slowly shrugging off the nonproductive habits

Learning to be okay with it all

Looking at life from a fair perspective

Taking stock of where I am and how I got myself here

Assessing what’s really important

Letting myself be human, even in my own eyes

Taking responsibility

Setting a better example for my children

Trying to put my life back together

Reminding myself what I can be capable of

Allowing myself to hope

Setting my sights on what I deserve

Communicating in positive ways

Developing better tools to relate

I will be okay.

I will be OKAY.

Brain scans, and other things

So, I came home from work yesterday to find a voicemail on my message machine from the eye doctor’s assistant saying they had already scheduled my MRI appointment for this coming Monday. I have to arrive an hour early so they can give me the little pill that makes it okay to shove me all the way in that tight little tube and leave me there for an hour while all the horrible noises go on all around me. And since they’re giving me the little pill, I have to have someone to drive me home.

This is ridiculous. I have such a high tolerance to the little pill, they could give me three or four and I could still pass a field sobriety test without blinking. Oh, I know it’s procedure, its protocol, it’s for the hospital’s safety as well as my own… but it’s still stupid. Now I have to hope my husband will be available to drive me all the way uptown in the middle of the day Monday, which I won’t know until he gets back from Italy, which won’t be until late Sunday night, by which time it will be far too late to reschedule. Arrrgh, why do things have to be so complicated all the time?? On a lighter note, I started taking the medication he prescribed, and maybe it’s too soon to tell, but my eye seems steadier already…

I thought it would be nice housesitting for a week while my husband was away, being back in my house again, but I find that staying there as a visitor is really bizarre and frustrating. Things are weird right now; I’m feeling pulled halfway between two worlds – the married world and the separated world, and I don’t feel like I belong entirely in either one right now. I feel… displaced, I guess. It’s an odd feeling, and I don’t know quite what to do with it.

Part of me is sure that eventually I will move back home and resume my marriage. But another part of me believes that to do so would only continue the unhappiness I had been feeling for years. Things seem much better now, but is it only because I’m gone? He treats me differently, but is it only because he’s trying to get me back home? Would it last, or would he go back to being the same indifferent, distant roommate he was before? I know this is why we are in counseling. And it’s early yet. But I just wish there were easy answers, and I know there aren’t. What to do, what to do??

Magpye’s Big Adventure

Boy has it been a busy week! You can tell because I haven’t even had enough time to waste at work to post even one blog entry all week long. And I had stuff to write about, too.

Last weekend, my friend D and I decided to hang out. So I met her at her place and we were sitting and talking, and somehow the conversation turned to ‘toys’ and I mentioned that I could never go into one of ‘those’ stores. Well, that was it – D was determined that not only was I going to one of ‘those’ stores, but that I was going to BUY something. I fought hard against the idea, I really, really did – I stonewalled with all my might… but D was not to be swayed. So after lunch, she dragged me to one of those places. I tried to make light of how embarrassed I was, saying to the clerk on the way in “If anyone calls, I’M NOT HERE”, and off we went to the little walled-off private area where they keep THOSE sorts of things.

May I say OH MY GOD????

I had NO IDEA what kind of stuff was out there. Holy crap. Frightening? Confusing? Awe-inspiring?? Just plain physically impossible???

People, if you have not been to one of these places, I suggest you go. And I suggest you be drunk when you do. It was the most hilarious thing I have seen in many years. I mean, sure, there were your average and sundry items that you’d expect, but then there were things… I had no idea how they would even be used. And I didn’t want to know. My knowledge base has increased exponentially through that one trip.

And of course, there was that one, creepy older guy, wandering aimlessly, seeming to try casually to saunter ever closer to me… ICK!

Well, whether I made a purchase and/or what it was I shall keep to myself. But the moral of the story is, go check out one of these places! They are a RIOT!!

You’re officially invited

 

So hey there, my faithful readers (I can never seem to write that without snickering to myself in my mind sarcastically), I am wondering just how many of you really read my blog, and how many are just random posts on alphainventions.com. So, I am inviting you to my chat room. Of course, it’s not MY chatroom, it’s owned and run by ICQ.Com, and that’s the website you’ll need to visit to get there. You can either create an account, or go straight to the chat page as a guest. Under General, there is a room called ‘LOST”. That is where I spend most of my time. Due to certification issues, my screen name there is ‘Maggpye”.

Anyone who wants to drop in, I’m usually around once or twice a day, or you can say hi to my buddies Tony50, LOST, Verbal Assasin (who is cranky, I’ll warn you,) Amos, Bellz, Acataleptic, Blue Mule, Evil Monkey, and everyone else. Don’t be shy, just jump right in and start talking with people – You’ll be amazed how addicting it can become… I’m truly interested to see if I meet any of you there!

See you soon, I hope!

The New Year’s Eve Chicken Torching

Yep… I burned it. And no, we’re not talking about over-cooking the New Years Eve meal; we’re talking about the symbolic chicken that was a souveneir from a weekend trip taken by myself and he-who-shall-no-longer-be-named. On New Year’s Eve, I took that little hen, and I tenderly laid it on the fire, and I watched it go up in flames. Bye Bye, chicken. See you in Hell.

Part of moving on, is letting go of the negative things in your past. Hwsnlbn is one of those things I have let go, completely.the burning of the chicken was not malicious, but symbolic. Ashes. All gone.

Im not making resolutions per se this year; but I do resolve to reflect on the decisions and behaviors from last year that brought me to where I am today; which were good, which were bad. Which I could do better letting go of, which I want to strengthen and build on.

I watched Jim Carrey’s ‘Yes Man’ yesterday, and although it was a rather silly movie, it did get me thinking… am I saying no to too many opportunities in my life? I saw a lot of parallells to my own situation there, and found it interesting. Certainly one of those things I will be reflecting on….

So Long, 2008…

 

Well, this has been one of the most bizarre years of my adult life.

I entered it in a stable marriage, a secure job, a comfortable house, and good financial status.

I am leaving it in a state of separation, a job I worry about keeping, a cold basement apartment, and never enough cash to stretch from one pay day to the next.

It’s been interesting.

In between there have been lost loves, internet relationships, and plenty of heartache and heartbreak. It has been tough learning to be on my own, but I really think I am making progress. It’s hard, and it’s lonely, but if there’s one resolution I make for 2009, it will be that I refuse to sacrifice my self, my personality, my happiness, to appease a man. I have rediscovered what it’s like to really be able to just be me… and I like me.

My husband and I are getting along well, spending some time together, and will start counseling in January. But I have been very clear that I have made no promises, aloud or inferred, that I will be returning home. It seems I like him as a friend, but as a husband? I still have no idea if we’ll ever get back to that point. Much change is needed.

My kids will return from my parent’s place in Southern Utah on Sunday; I have missed them and can’t wait to see their little faces again (reminding myself they’re just not so little anymore). School starts up again Monday, and life resumes as normal again for everyone… well, as normal as it can be right now.

So what will 2009 bring? Hard to imagine. So many things in the air right now, I can’t possibly predict what might happen next… but stay tuned,  faithful readers, it’s sure to be entertaining!

Ahhh… It’s Over….

Yes, the big day has come and gone… and so have the kids. They boarded a shuttle on the 27^th and were off to St. George (Southern Utah) to spend their second week of Christmas vacation with grandma and grandpa. You know what that means?

I have the Wii all to myself all week long, Woo Hoo!!

My husband came over and played for awhile after dropping the kids off at the shuttle; I knocked him out cold in Boxing, I kicked his butt Bowling, and my band TOTALLY rocked harder in Guitar Hero. We had a fun time; he had even bought the kids a skiing game that you play standing on the Wii fit and using the controller and nunchuk as ski poles, and I gave that a shot, thus further proving there IS a reason I do not, and have never, and will never ski.

It was a lot of fun, and you know what? Today I CAN HARDLY MOVE. My shoulders, my upper arms, my back, my ass, my thighs, my knees – everything is stiff and sore. I got quite a workout… and I haven’t even tried the Wii Fit software yet!

I love that Wii. I did get it for the kids, but I guess it turned out to be a gift for myself as well, which works out, considering the only other gift I got was a Disturbed CD from my daughter. Way to go, kid, thanks for having my back. She rocks, she really does. I’m going to try to get tickets to Disturbed, they’re playing here at the end of January, and if I do I’m totally taking her. She’ll freak.

Still spending some time with the husband, overall it’s okay, I guess. I can’t believe he actually thinks my Pirate Enthusiasm is a bad influence on my children. This could be a deal-breaker, kids… if I can’t be me, I’m not going back, it’s just that simple. So now he says we can’t discuss it anymore until we see the counselor, because it could start a fight. Have I mentioned he still has to be the boss of everything, and tell me how to drive and where to turn in the town where I was born and raised? LOVE that…