Long time, no write

So, it’s now November. I was ‘released’ from employment back in July; I’ve been on disability ever since. I spend my days bored as shit, feeling like a useless nothing that is contributing nothing to the world. My doctor thinks I won’t be released from disability until Christmas.

So why haven’t I been writing? This blog used to be my almost daily release, my catalyst. I guess I have been so incredibly BLAH that I cant’ bring myself to say I have nothing worthwhile to say. I keep trying to convince myself I’m ready to go back to work, and then I spend 30 minutes standing in a department store while my husband shops for shirts and I feel like I’m going to die. I’m doing the treadmill, the recumbant bike… and I still feel like shit.

I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter since March. Occasionally I can get her to reply to an email, but usually with attitude and we just aren’t getting anywhere. At this point it looks like there is no way she is graduating High School, and it doesn’t seem like her or her dad think it’s even an issue. It makes me crazy that trying to care and reach and help her seems to only give her ammunition against me. I can’t imagine what she thinks she is going to do with her life.

My marriage is doing great. I don’t know why, but I feel incredibly guilty about that. I feel like my husband should be so angry at me at this point for still being so helpless, but he’s been better than anyone else at understanding what I don’t even understand. I apply for jobs I know I’m not ready for, and I’m crushed when nothing works out. Sometimes I feel like there is no future for me now. That’s a really fucking depressing feeling.

So why haven’t I been writing? I don’t know. I guess that’s just how dead I feel inside. It really sucks.

Well this has been a roaring success. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. Or the next day. Or maybe I won’t. I guess we’ll see.

…And she’s back again

Hey out there. I know I’ve been gone for a long time again. This time there’s just been so much bad stuff and I’ve been SO depressed I couldn’t muster the energy to even put it all down in words.

So, in a nutshell:

My boss wants me out. She has been riding me since last October (when without a single warning removed me from salary to hourly over attendance I had never been told was a problem) and had been making a bi-weekly to monthly habit of keeping a little list of all the things I do wrong, saving them up until she has a long enough list to pull me into a little ‘You’re a loser’ meeting. Things like not completing a task that was not in my job description that I had asked for training on repeatedly and was not given… Or not updating her on another project where I was able to prove to her she had received the email and lost it. Everytime, I took the criticisms and swore I’d do better, kept a good attitude and told myself I wasn’t being targeted.

Finally, mostly from the stress, anxiety and a grueling schedule that was hard on me physically, one moning BOOM! I threw my back out big time. My husband called my boss and let her know we were going to the ER. I called her later that day under medication and told her I needed to be off my back a certain time. I guess I mixed up the days, because she apparently expected me back a day before I came back. All smiles, so concerned about my health, she says ‘meet with me this afternoon so I can make sure you’re alright’…

We sit down and she goes over FMLA stuff with me, so nice and concerned, wants me to take time off and get better. Like I didn’t see the blank folder in her hand, like I didn’t know what was inside it. I’m so tired of these games.  SO she finishes off with whipping out a written warning and hitting me with that before telling me to go home.

My doctor insisted I go on full time FMLA. I didn’t want to do that, but EVERYBODY insisted they HAD to hold my specific position for me if I was back within 12 weeks. People, DON”T BELIEVE IT. The very day I handed in my FMLA paperwork from the doctor my specific position was posted. I have had nerve block shots. An epidural. A discography, which TOTALLY sucked. Meanwhile, I am trapped in my house unable to do anything, and my boss hires a SECOND person for my specific position. Evidently I was lazy and unproductive but as soon as I went on leave it was determined TWO people were required to handle the workload… I just love it.

Tell me kids, do you think she’s waiting with baited breath for my return? She’s already cleared out my cubicle to make way for one of the people taking my job, she and the rest of “my pals” packed up all my personal belongings and shoved them under a desk.

So here I sit, waiting for the end of the month, when I will undergo spinal fusion surgery to save a job I know I’ve already lost. And how did I lose it? I did what everyone told me to do, and tried to be nice about it. Yay me.

God, I loved my job. I thought the people I worked with liked me. Not one person in my department has even sent me an email since I left. Apparently it was my evil plan to get hurt to make their day suck. Shame on me.

The pain pills don’t work. None of the therapies so far have worked. I am scared to death of this surgery, we are talking about my SPINE here.

Meanwhile my dear husband juggles work and home, manages everything on one salary right now because there have been repeated ‘mishaps’ with my disability money and I haven’t seen a dime of that yet, and it’s been almost seven weeks. I don’t know how he has managed the stress, and me being a basket case on top of it all. I am climbing the walls here – I don’t go anywhere, I don’t see anyone. Certainly no one cares to see me. And I am losing it.

Wow… big nutshell, huh? I’m exhausted. I need to go lie down, this computer chair sucks. It’s Percocet time.

Yay me.

GRRRRR!!

 

Grrr.

That’s my commentary on the day; Grr.

Grr for the snow that has returned to my finally melted world

Grr for the executive busting my chops over his own oversight

Grr for the cold and that groundhog’s stupid shadow

Grr.

Grr for the auditor who wrote up really stupid findings

Grr for the FDA visit that has to be just around the corner

Grr for my ever shrinking bank account

GRR.

Grr for the laundry

And Grr for the dishes

And Grr for the freezing conditions in my apartment

Grr for the projects I should have finished by now but haven’t

Grr for people who don’t listen

Grr for kids who won’t help out

GRRRRR for the traffic

Grr, Grr, Grr!!!

Bloggers, Riddle Me This…

Okay…  here is a strange question. If you were to change the word “GAS” to a plural word, how would you spell it?

I know… I said it was a weird question. I am reviewing a document for revision in which someone (who happens to be higher-ranking than me) has repeatedly put the word ‘gasses’ where I personally think ‘gases’ is more correct. Spell check accepts both of them, but in research I can find many headlines with the word ‘gases’ and not a single one with the double ‘s’ spelling.

So what would you do? Make a big deal out of correcting the whole document when it’s one outside eyes will rarely, if ever, want to see? Or just let it go, since as I said before, it IS a spelling that seems to be acceptable?

Hmmm.

Why does spelling make me itch like this? I cannot stand misspelled words. They stand out to me like a sore thumb, and once I see one I can’t see anything else. They make me crazy. My husband would write little notes to himself, and although he is a highly intelligent man, spelling just isn’t his thing. I would find these notes and be compulsed to error-correct them, I couldn’t help myself – it used to drive him nuts.

I, on the other hand, was that weird kid who thought Spelling Bee day was the biggest event of the school year. I took second place in 5^th grade… that was my big year. Woo hoo, buddy. Good times. I also took First Place in the school Reflections contest that year… I remember my teacher cried. She was frustrated that only two of her students submitted entries that year. I guess me winning first place kinda made up for it…

…but I digress. What do you think – Gases, or Gasses?

Disturbed and the Jiggly-Eye

Tired, tired, TIRED…. Falling asleep at work today. Disturbed played last night, and in spite of fighting for a good spot for my smallish 16 year old in a general admission venue, the show was AWESOME. We had a total blast! Skindred opened, and I have to say I liked them even more than the second band, Sevendust. But when Disturbed finally took the stage, there was no question who dominated the entire evening, hands down. I was pleased to find that Disturbed is a band that plays as well live as on their CDs… awesome, awesome show. We came, we saw, we got T-shirts.

Then I had to get up early this morning and go all the way uptown for a neuro-opthalmic eye appointment, to address this eye-bobbing issue. What a nightmare. I would have given ANYTHING to sleep in this morning! Then I got lost trying to get there, was half an hour late… good thing they were nice about it and didn’t make me reschedule. Anyway, the assistant put me through the regular tests, read this, point at that, you know the drill. Then she starts talking about dilating my eyes… I’m like, ‘What?  No no no! I have to WORK today! I have an AUDIT! I NEED my eyes!’ Just then the doctor came in and looked me over, talked to me about my symptoms and all. Turns out he didn’t need me dilated after all, thank goodness! He has prescribed me a medication normally used for parkinsons’ disease, but that has been found to work in cases of “Jiggly Eye” (That’s exactly what he called it, I’m not kidding).

And of course, he wants the ever-predictable follow-up MRI, ‘just to be sure nothing has changed’. Which is Doctor-speak for ‘Hey, New Year, new deductible, let’s get to spending!’ I have been getting occasional follow-up MRIs for the past 18 years; nothing changes, other than the amount I owe. It’s pointless. But God forbid I forego the MRI one time it’s offered, and I end up having some bizarre re-growth of the cavernoma that goes unnoticed until it bleeds out and I’m dead. That would be just my luck.

No, really, I’m serious, if you knew me, you’d know that WOULD be just my luck. Totally.

I even got lost on my way back from the place, couldn’t find the freeway to save my life, didn’t get to work until 11:30, and my auditor was almost ready to leave. Thank goodness for good coworkers who know how to pitch in when I can’t be around. They had already taken care of all his questions, given him the tour, the whole nine.  There was hardly anything for me to do but make my introductions. Yay coworkers!

So here I sit, ears ringing from last night, going on not near enough sleep, knowing I need to stay late to make up for coming in late….ugh.

But was Disturbed worth it?

Heh… yeah.

The Longest week EVER

Man, I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over; this has been the longest week in history. Take a three day Regulatory Accreditation audit, add in two additional sponsor audits, throw in three bad weather days where travel is a nightmare, and an eyeball that is steadily growing more and more unsteady – I’ll tell you, it takes it out of ya. I am BEAT.

But, I just have to get through tonight with the kids, and tomorrow at work, and then I’m free for a few days. Free to sleep in, free to bum around, free to do nothing or anything. Free to get a little REST.

Just… 24… hours…

Got… to hang… on…

Come on, Mags, keep it together. I know I’m just worked up because I have to battle Satan tonight when I get home…. Oh yeah, TOTALLY addicted to Guitar Hero. And here I thought I bought that Wii for my kids… HA!

I have to say it is amazing how much activity you put in to things without even realizing it. I tried bouncing soccer balls off my head for just a few minutes last night and today my whole core aches. I mean, muscles I couldn’t target if I TRIED. It’s pretty cool!

Where’s my Advil?? WHERE’S MY ADVIL PEOPLE????

So Long, 2008…

 

Well, this has been one of the most bizarre years of my adult life.

I entered it in a stable marriage, a secure job, a comfortable house, and good financial status.

I am leaving it in a state of separation, a job I worry about keeping, a cold basement apartment, and never enough cash to stretch from one pay day to the next.

It’s been interesting.

In between there have been lost loves, internet relationships, and plenty of heartache and heartbreak. It has been tough learning to be on my own, but I really think I am making progress. It’s hard, and it’s lonely, but if there’s one resolution I make for 2009, it will be that I refuse to sacrifice my self, my personality, my happiness, to appease a man. I have rediscovered what it’s like to really be able to just be me… and I like me.

My husband and I are getting along well, spending some time together, and will start counseling in January. But I have been very clear that I have made no promises, aloud or inferred, that I will be returning home. It seems I like him as a friend, but as a husband? I still have no idea if we’ll ever get back to that point. Much change is needed.

My kids will return from my parent’s place in Southern Utah on Sunday; I have missed them and can’t wait to see their little faces again (reminding myself they’re just not so little anymore). School starts up again Monday, and life resumes as normal again for everyone… well, as normal as it can be right now.

So what will 2009 bring? Hard to imagine. So many things in the air right now, I can’t possibly predict what might happen next… but stay tuned,  faithful readers, it’s sure to be entertaining!

Evil Among Us… and they have Mops

Here’s something I have noticed around the office…. Our janitors are evil. Not like, steal your children and sell them to Gypsies evil,  or pee in the coffee pot evil… but they are evil, just the same.

This is what they do: Right at coffe time first thing in the morning, they close off the cafeteria for cleaning so you can’t get to the coffee machine. They make you… wait.

Then, they’ll open up the cafeteria and there will be a mass exodus of drowsy employees anxious to get their morning caffeine fix. We go in, we fill up, glug glug glug.

Then those evil janitors…. They wait. They wait just about an hour to an hour and a half, when all that coffee has run it’s course. Then they shut down the restrooms. For… cleaning. They secretly laugh their evil little laughs as we all do our tippy-toe gotta-go dances back and forth from our offices to the restrooms to see if they’re open yet… and you KNOW they are taking their time….

They think I don’t know what they’re up to…. But I see their little games, I know what they’re trying to pull. Evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

Trying so hard to be productive….

I am trying so hard today to be productive…. But it is just not happening. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s Friday, or because of the impending huge storm that’s coming in tonight that’s supposed to put all of Salt Lake on it’s ear, or because I’m supposed to have ‘movie night’ tonight with my husband and kids, and stay over because I have to work tomorrow for a few hours and the house is only blocks away from work and due to the snow it just makes more sense to stay close by, or if I’m just ready to be done for the week, or all of the above, or WHAT.

Yeah, Im having movie night with my husband. So what? Lately the lines of communication have been more open, and it actually seems like he has been LISTENING to me. I don’t know what that means, or if it means anything, I’m certainly not jumping to conclusions. But we are planning to look into some couples and family counseling at the first of the year. Who knows what will happen. Im definitely not tying my hopes and dreams to anything yet, as far as I’m concerned we have a long way to go before I’m even close to making any decisions, and I’ve made that clear. I haven’t gone through the last several months of Hell just to go back to the way life was before.

But I have learned some things about myself, some good, some bad. And I think he has too. And maybe it’s time to stand back and evaluate. I think that’s at least fair. For us, for the kids. For the thirteen years we will or won’t walk away from.

I have to give him credit; since the day I walked out, any time I needed him, he was there. Flat tire, broken door, money to feed the kids, he was there, and that does count for something.

Funny… if I had been at home, would he have been nearly as quick to respond?

Hmmmm…..

Stuff I wonder

When there are so many freak accidents, bizarre afflictions, and tragic, random deaths in the world….

why don’t any of them ever happen to my co-worker?