Magpye’s Big Adventure

Boy has it been a busy week! You can tell because I haven’t even had enough time to waste at work to post even one blog entry all week long. And I had stuff to write about, too.

Last weekend, my friend D and I decided to hang out. So I met her at her place and we were sitting and talking, and somehow the conversation turned to ‘toys’ and I mentioned that I could never go into one of ‘those’ stores. Well, that was it – D was determined that not only was I going to one of ‘those’ stores, but that I was going to BUY something. I fought hard against the idea, I really, really did – I stonewalled with all my might… but D was not to be swayed. So after lunch, she dragged me to one of those places. I tried to make light of how embarrassed I was, saying to the clerk on the way in “If anyone calls, I’M NOT HERE”, and off we went to the little walled-off private area where they keep THOSE sorts of things.

May I say OH MY GOD????

I had NO IDEA what kind of stuff was out there. Holy crap. Frightening? Confusing? Awe-inspiring?? Just plain physically impossible???

People, if you have not been to one of these places, I suggest you go. And I suggest you be drunk when you do. It was the most hilarious thing I have seen in many years. I mean, sure, there were your average and sundry items that you’d expect, but then there were things… I had no idea how they would even be used. And I didn’t want to know. My knowledge base has increased exponentially through that one trip.

And of course, there was that one, creepy older guy, wandering aimlessly, seeming to try casually to saunter ever closer to me… ICK!

Well, whether I made a purchase and/or what it was I shall keep to myself. But the moral of the story is, go check out one of these places! They are a RIOT!!

GRRRRRRRRR

 

I am an angry Magpye today. Why do people, so many people, have to be such idiots? Sheesh. I give up. You think someone is your friend, a person you can trust. Then they come on to you. And when you try your hardest to let them down easy, they retaliate by trying to publicly humiliate you. Did I ask for this? I say most soundly, and with great conviction, NO. I did not. I have always been very clear with this person about the status of our friendship. I NEVER led him on. So now I have lost a friend and had my name dragged through the mud in the process. AWESOME. The hits just keep on comin!!!!

Magpye’s epic Beak-Bonking

So it was a nice normal Thursday night, and I had my nice gentleman friend come over to cook me a nice meal, and it was all nice and special. My gentleman friend brought a nice Sangria over to share, and having never tried it before, I found it to be quite pleasant. So we had a glass or two, and he left to go to the store for the supplies he needed to cook with, and I suppose it’s possible I helped myself to some more sangria, but I truly don’t believe I did. Anyhoo, my gentleman friend returned, we shared another glass, and were having a truly lovely time. I am quite enamored with my gentleman friend, and have been for most of my life, but that’s a blog for another time. He was being most charming, showing me the great lengths he went to to make the meal come out just right… I excused myself for one moment, and that’s when everything started to go horribly wrong. As I rose from my chair, and began to walk towards the bathroom, I noticed that my posture never gained true upright; I seemed to be listing to the left. Secondly, although I could see the bathroom door and was making all efforts to direct myself towards it, I found myself drifting closer and closer to the tV, despite my epic efforts to redirect myself midstream. Fortunately once I bounced off the tv, that seemed to correct my course appropriately and I was headed for the door I had set out to reach.

People, I have to admit that this is where the story has taken a few different turns, for the sake of my dignity. But lucky you, you are about to hear the true nitty gritty, and hear me now: it won’t be pretty.
I entered the bathroom, rather unsteady on my feet, I approach the throne, turn around and prepare to assume the position. With both hands occupied in the act of dropping my drawers, there was nothing to break my fall as my balance suddenly toppled me forward toward the hard, unforgiving bathroom tiles. Nothing, that is, except my face. My gentleman friend later described what he heard as a wet thwack, followed by “THIT!”
Of course my first concern was to get my pants back up. I knew he would be coming to investigate and I couldn’t have him see me sprawled on the bathroom floor with my pants around my ankles and my face a bloody mess. Next, to appraise the damage: now I know what the THIT was for. I had hit directly on my front teeth and nose and pretty much splattered my lip, I was bleeding from my mouth and nose profusely. My face was already swelling to epic proportions. Blood was everywhere. And do you know what my sweet gentleman friend did? He came in, took a look to see if I was okay, and then he laughed his ass off. He laughed while he got me ice for my face, he laughed while he cleaned the whole bathroom for me. He laughed while he helped me lie down in bed, making jokes the whole time. He watched over me the whole night, except he must have dozed off when I attempted to get out of bed and was viciously attacked by the bedroom carpet, thus the additional rugburn above my right eyebrow… The next day, I had a fat lip the size of Rhode Island. He thought that was totally hilarious.
I look like I have been through a hell of a bar fight. And come out pretty okay. That suits me just fine. And my gentleman friend… he thought the whole thing was as funny as I did, and that’s why he is totally the awesomest.

It’s a small graveyard after all….

Okay, so in my teens, I was a bit… rebellious. Adventurous. Spunky.
Alright, let’s face it – easy.
I lived in the avenues in Salt Lake City, just a block below the City Cemetery, and that was where my friends and I always went to run wild and party. Back in 1985, I was dating a certain young man, and we used to like to go there for ‘alone time’.
Well, one night we got carried away, and in a wild and crazy moment, we ended up ‘doing the deed’ between a large shrubbery and a headstone. The whole time we could hear other voices in the distance, other teens goofing around after dark.

At a critical moment, suddenly a teenage boy came hurling over the headstone, landed right in front of us, and just kept running. We often mused later if he had even seen us there, in the dark, in the rush he was obviously in… but ultimately we dismissed it. In time, I forgot all about the incident.

Years and years later, as a divorced single mom, I was out on a date with someone I had met in my apartment complex. In conversation, we discovered that we had attended the same High School. When he asked where I had lived, and I told him, he was amused at the fact that I had grown up near the cemetery where he and his friends used to love to play tag after dark.

Can you guess what’s coming?

Yes, that’s right; he told me this hilarious anecdote about one night when he was running around in the cemetery, jumped over a headstone and landed right in front of two people right in the middle of ‘the act’. The dates and locations all matched up. Apparently, we had met before.

I almost choked on my lasagna… what does one do in a situation like this? Do you pretend you’re suddenly just having a hot flash at the age of 24, or do you come clean?
Well, I’ve never been one for putting on airs… I laughed my ass off and told him the whole story from my perspective. What are the odds, honestly??

He never called me again… shoot. His loss. He should have known it would have been a sure thing.