Relationship Confusion

So… these are the things I am dealing with. My husband and I are considering reconciling. I know he wants to, and there are parts of me telling me I want to. But I have to be so, so careful about making sure they are the right parts of me, and they want to for the right reasons… there are a million reasons why my life would be so much easier if I went back home. Life on my own has been extremely hard, much harder than I ever expected, and at times brutally depressing. Not to mention that financially I have never been more challenged, ever.

But after all I have been through, the things I have learned about myself, the me I have discovered since I have had the freedom to be this me, I worry that all that is for nothing if I just turn around and go back home. Granted, I would not be considering it if I did not still have deep feelings for my husband, but I can’t forget that I spent years being deeply unhappy there. Maybe it sounds shallow, but I don’t want to give up my Captain’s Quarters, my pirate flags, my pirate bathroom… those things are ME, and I know I would lose those if I went back. I like those parts of me. He never understood it.

I feel like he really wants to rush back into a relationship, and as much as it is nice to have some closeness with him again, I really worry about taking things too fast. I was kind of glad that we couldn’t get in with the counselor until January, I felt like that put a little mandatory waiting time in place. I don’t know if he really understands the level of commitment to change I will require before I consider giving up my independent life, hard as it is, to come back. I know right now he feels motivated and willing to change, but he has made so many promises in the past, and never kept any of them. Work always comes first, then the boys, then the gym, then sleep, then hunting, then… what ever else he might be forgetting. Helloooo?

I know if we are going to move forward, IF, then my main responsibility is putting those grudges behind me. It’s just hard to trust again. I want to… but it’s hard, I so don’t want to be hurt again, it’s so demoralizing to practically live for someone who tends to forget you exist. It’s taken me these many months to start building back my sense of self-value, and that has been one of the best things to come of this separation for me. I don’t want to lose that.

I hope being around more and opening the lines of communication isn’t giving him the idea that we are automatically getting back together, he has already suggested I move back home first and then we start counseling, and I was like, ‘no way!’ Maybe I need to discuss that with him openly to make sure there are no misunderstandings about where we stand.

Communication….. isn’t that always what it comes down to in the end??

Trying so hard to be productive….

I am trying so hard today to be productive…. But it is just not happening. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s Friday, or because of the impending huge storm that’s coming in tonight that’s supposed to put all of Salt Lake on it’s ear, or because I’m supposed to have ‘movie night’ tonight with my husband and kids, and stay over because I have to work tomorrow for a few hours and the house is only blocks away from work and due to the snow it just makes more sense to stay close by, or if I’m just ready to be done for the week, or all of the above, or WHAT.

Yeah, Im having movie night with my husband. So what? Lately the lines of communication have been more open, and it actually seems like he has been LISTENING to me. I don’t know what that means, or if it means anything, I’m certainly not jumping to conclusions. But we are planning to look into some couples and family counseling at the first of the year. Who knows what will happen. Im definitely not tying my hopes and dreams to anything yet, as far as I’m concerned we have a long way to go before I’m even close to making any decisions, and I’ve made that clear. I haven’t gone through the last several months of Hell just to go back to the way life was before.

But I have learned some things about myself, some good, some bad. And I think he has too. And maybe it’s time to stand back and evaluate. I think that’s at least fair. For us, for the kids. For the thirteen years we will or won’t walk away from.

I have to give him credit; since the day I walked out, any time I needed him, he was there. Flat tire, broken door, money to feed the kids, he was there, and that does count for something.

Funny… if I had been at home, would he have been nearly as quick to respond?

Hmmmm…..

Please keep your hands inside the ride at all times

Well welcome back to the Roller Coaster that is my life…. once again what was, has been turned upside down again. R and I are talking, a mutual friend in the chat room we frequent basically forced us to kiss and make up, but we are going to start over. He’s not coming out right now, we are going to work on some things first, make sure we both have some stuff straight before we pursue anything furher. What does that mean? Honestly, I don’t really know. But taking more time never hurt anybody, I guess, and for whatever reason, despite his problems, there’s something about him that makes me want to keep trying. He makes me nuts, he pisses me off, he constantly tries my patience, and I worry myself sick over him. But I want to keep trying, and that says something, right? Maybe it just says I need professional help… but it does say something.

Meanwhile it’s Friday, I have just about survived another week… he was supposed to be here in only a few days and I’m dissappointed that it won’t be happening, but I realize it makes sense to wait a little now and work some stuff out. Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and remind me why I invited my ex to join us this year? Oh yeah, because I was trying to be nice. You know, I still like the guy, he’s a good guy, overall. I just don’t want to be the wife he avoids at every opportunity anymore. Being alone is still better than that. He came to my apt this weekend to fix a broken door, it’s the first time he’s even been there since the day I moved in. He didn’t say anything, but I could see him looking around and seeing how much of the place was… ME. And I think maybe he realized how much of me I couldn’t be when I was with him… or maybe not. He looked at my pirate flags, my Jack Sparrow statue, the treasure chest at the end of my bed, my life-size Jack Sparrow cutout (that was a housewarming gift) the little dead pirates in their little cages hanging on my walls, the huge Skull & Bones POC logo I got from my nephew who works at Best buy and snagged it for me… He’s got to be realizing Im not coming home. There’s just not enough room in that old house for my pirate stuff, and man, nothing is ever coming between me and my pirate stuff AGAIN.

The Big Number Nine

Well here I sit at my desk, counting down the time until my auditors show up today. I am under great pressure to get through this audit with no findings, that will put us at NINE in a row, a testament to my ‘audit ready philosophy’ training program that I was asked by corporate to develop and implement. This is the thing that has everybody in corporate happy with me, and I certainly want to keep them happy!

Just tonight and tomorrow with the kids, and then I get some ME time, I’m greatly looking forward to that… curling up on the couch or in the love sac and watching anything that is NOT a very badly done cartoon – Ugh, it amazes me what they put out there for kids to watch these days, and I even block the worst channels. I guess it bothers me because my kids are smart, and I mean SMART – we went to parent teacher conferences last Thursday and I was pleased to discover that both my boys scored way above school average and even above National averages in most subjects on their end of year tests last year. It’s such a nice change from my daughters conferences, which are usually frustrating and almost embarrasing. I hate to say that, I love my daughter for who she is – she is smart, witty, compassionate, imaginative, and unique. I just wish she would apply herself more, I know she could be doing so much better. She has to spend half her time with her dad’s circus freak act of a family, and I know that doesn’t help – those people are seriously disturbed. But they will band together and lie, lie, lie in court which is why I could never get sole custody in the first place. I don’t want to take her away from her dad, who is the least of all the evils in that home – but between the psycho grandmother, to the 300 pound sex-changing uncle, to his several adopted kids with serious behavioral issues that are not being addressed… I worry so much about her when she’s there. I almost had her move in with me full time this summer, but at the last minute crazy grandma put her massive foot down and ordered my ex to fix things with her so she would stay. UGH.

How much longer can that fat manatee of a woman live, honestly? And when she does kick over, who’s basement will my ex live in then???

My whole sordid story

What is it about the human condition that is so desperate for companionship, yet struggles so hard to be happy with the companions we find? This is an issue that continues to fascinate me, especially now as I have been through one divorce and am potentially preparing to go through a second.

My first husband and I dated for years before we got married. We were inseparable. Not hardly a day went by that we weren’t together; it seemed we were perfectly compatible. Sure, we had our differences, but they worked well in our relationship. And yet… by the time the wedding was upon us, I knew in my heart we would not last. I remember telling a close friend at my bachelorette party that I already knew we would end in divorce. But at that point, I felt there was no turning back… so I went through with it and tried to convince myself that that’s what adult people did.

Almost immediately after the wedding, my husband was called away to active duty during Desert Storm. Not to the actual war, mind you; he was a reservist who went to support the base in Okinawa while the active soldiers went to war. For 10 months he went to classes, participated in some basic training, played volleyball, hung out on the beach and drank beer, all the while complaining how hard life was. And even managed to get himself demoted for playing hookey from his classes for a week.

He came back feeling like the world owed him a debt of gratitude for his ‘brave service’,  didn’t want to go back to work immediately, spent a few months picking and choosing through jobs that weren’t good enough for him while eating through the savings I had put away while he was gone. All this with a baby on the way.  In simple terms, he refused to grow up and take responsibility for the family he created.

Four months after our daughter came, I asked him to leave. I couldn’t take any more. He made it very clear he was no longer interested in me, and wanted little to do with the baby. The baby he wanted so much the minute he came home.  He immediately moved back in with his mother, and you know what? Sixteen years later, there he STILL IS. Reading his comic books and playing with his yo-yos in his mom’s basement. Forty-one years old.

Three years later, I met my second husband. I was independent, making my way very well as a single mom, and a good one, despite the fact that husband #1 barely ever came up with child support of any kind, and because of his limited employment, what he was expected to pay was a mere pittance. I had a good apartment, and I was managing my life. I was proud of what I had accomplished on my own.

When I met my second husband, I wasn’t looking to get involved; in fact I had given up on the dating scene and was disgusted with it, tired of being hurt. The only reason I went out with him at all was because he had already signed up to join the Army and was heading out in just over a month. Automatic goodbye, thank you very much, see ya. Perfect. Have some fun, go away, no hard feelings. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even like him when we first met. I thought he was egotistical and overinflated.

But then we got to know each other, and wouldn’t you know it, we fell in love, even though we promised each other we wouldn’t do that. So we dated for a month, he left. I got to fly out to Kentucky to see his graduation training, and the next time I saw him was the day before we got married. Nobody thought we had a snowball’s chance in Hell. He got stationed in Texas; I packed up and moved everything, left my job. Battled through a vicious custody fight (not with my ex, really, but with his MOTHER) and finally we were free to start our life together. And for the first few years, it was really excellent. We were two peas in a pod. We gardened, we camped, we fished. We were happy just being together, the three of us. Two years down the line, our son came along, and what joy that brought to us. Unfortunately, soon after tragedy struck as my daughter suffered a stroke when my husband was away on maneuvers in Korea. We were devastated; she was only 5. But we banded together and helped her with her therapy, and she recovered better than the doctors ever predicted.

The time came for my husband to leave the military, and we both decided it would be best to come back home, so our daughter could be close to family.

It was probably the worst mistake we ever made.

Where do I start? Immediately my ex started demanding equal time with my daughter, and not wanting to keep her from him, I agreed. BIG mistake. He and his mother set out to undo all the self sufficiency we had taught her, they coddled and waited on her and convinced her she should never have to do anything for herself. What a disappointment.

My husband took the first job he could get, bad pay and too much travel, and once again we found we had a baby on the way. Being a mom of a special needs kid and a toddler and an infant with no husband around to help several nights a week is so exhausting when you are working a full time job yourself; you can find yourself getting a little ticked off.

Move forward a few years: the kids are a little older and more self-sufficient which is good, my husband has taken a better job which is good. But still he travels all the time; and even when he is home, he is too tired to be a husband or a father. We have managed to buy a home, and it is falling apart. I am tired of feeling like I am nagging all the time, but I can’t fix the roof, I can’t reattach the sagging rain gutters, I can’t reprogram the sprinkler system, I don’t know how to do those things. My house is becoming an embarrassment. My fence is falling down. My backyard looks like a white trash paradise. And all he does is…. Sleep. If we ever spend time together, it’s because I make it happen, he could care less.

This year was the final straw. Our kids went to southern Utah to spend several weeks with their grandparents. I thought, ‘this is our chance to reconnect, to spend some US time.’

He had to go on an international business trip, and the minute he got home, he stated, ‘We have to go get the kids NOW. I need them with me NOW. THIS WEEKEND.’ Sure, I was disappointed, but I wanted to understand… so we went and got the kids early… they were sad, I was sad.

When we got home, you know what he did? He took the whole next week off… to spend with THE KIDS.

 

I moved out a month later.

SSDD

I am so freaking depressed.

I try so hard to keep my chin up and keep smiling, and I just don’t know what I’m doing it for, or who I think I’m fooling.

I have to take my dog back in to see the vet tomorrow. She is concerned that there is something wrong with him that he is acting MORE aggressive since being fixed, and she’s talking about the possibility of him needing to be ‘medicated’.  I just can’t afford that.

I know Mike has to be home from his trip by now, but he won’t answer my calls or emails. Obviously that doesn’t bode well for our relationship. Damn.

I get paid Friday, and half that check is already gone for bills and such. I feel like I will never get caught up, let alone ahead. How will I ever get to where I can afford to retain an attorney for my divorce? Which apparently I need to complete for Mike to take me seriously? If there’s even a chance left, that is, which I don’t know, because he’s nonexistent at the moment.

I feel like I am walking a tightrope in a high wind, and there’s no net. How the Hell did I get up here?

Oh yeah … I believed.

Pathetic, with a capital P

So here we are days later, and guess who is still in Limbo? Can you spell MAGPYE?
He’s gone on his diving vacation. He left with an email stating he’s going to figure out if he wants this relationship or not, because his 18 year old son doesn’t want him to date me because then HE’D be too lonely, and too many people (2 exactly, neither of whom know me) in his life think I’m just using him as a rebound, and he’s not sure he wants to give up his freedom.
And just how pathetic am I? Sitting here with my fingers crossed still hoping. I know, I know. I’m an idiot. This is exactly what I chew other girls out for doing. What the Hell?
I guess when there’s only one thing you want, it’s hard to consider anything else. I hate that I have reduced myself to this. I am embarrassed and ashamed. Could I go on? Of course. Have I considered the fact that that very well may be what happens? Yes. Can I bear the thought? I have to, I guess, but it’s Hell. I just don’t understand how all this happened. Everything was great, then POOF. I don’t get it. He still says he loves me, but I don’t think he has any idea what I’m going through. It seems like this is all about what will work for him. What he wants, what he decides, what’s best for his life. I didn’t think he was that guy. I still don’t want to think he’s that guy. Stupid me? We’ll see, won’t we?
Meanwhile, my stepfather has dropped the bombshell on my mom that he suspects I have a boyfriend. I find this both amusing and irritating, since he has hardly spoken to me since the separation and is right now off on a hunting trip with my husband. All I need is for him to open his fat mouth which he does with alarming regularity about things he has no knowledge of and get my husband all worked up about something that I don’t even know is anything. Man, I love that guy. You got a problem you need worse in a hurry? Add my stepdad and step back.
You know, there was a time when my blogs were funny. I miss those times.

It’s not Fatal

Sometimes, you have a saying that gets you through, a credo if you will. And you use that credo to spur others on in their times of crisis, and it becomes that thing that keeps you going, and you see it hit home with those around you when you speak the words, and you know it to be true, and it gives you great comfort, and you know nothing can stand against the simple truth of it.

And sometimes, you completely forget it, and you become a wreck.

And then, after floundering pathetically for an unspecified length of time, something clicks, and it comes back to you, and you’re like, “Oh yeah, that’s right – what was I thinking!”

Mine came to me by way of Linus Van Pelt.

I don’t remember what Peanuts TV special it was, but there was one in which Charlie Brown was in a Spelling Bee, and he lost. He was despondent and feeling like there was no point in living – as usual. It was then that Linus spoke these sage words: “But did you notice something Charlie Brown? The world didn’t stop spinning, did it?”

And from that came my personal credo of inner strength and perserverance: It’s not fatal.

This is not fatal. Being broke, being alone, being afraid, being hurt, starting over, having nothing, these things are not fatal. Until just recently, I had forgotten my own credo, and as any good Gunslinger would say, I have forgotten the face of my father.

I will survive. I will overcome. I will triumph. I will do all these things.  And why?

Because I AM THE MAGPYE!

UUUUURRRGGHHHHHHHH

Well, just when you think life can’t get more ridiculous…

I have discovered it most certainly can.

Now, my stepdad and I are not on speaking terms, because I blew up at him yesterday. I am really hurt at the fact that since the separation he has definitely seemed to have taken a side, and it is not mine. He came to town and stayed at my husband’s, did not even come to visit me or see my new place. He took my entire family except me (including my ex) to his awards ceremony, and when he wants to talk parenting regarding my boys, he calls my ex. How does that all add up in your book?

Also, out of nowhere now my ex suddenly “wants to talk”. This is all I need. You know, it made me mad that he let me go without a fight, but once I’m gone, I’m gone, too bad, so sad, your loss. Don’t start trying to backtrack on me now, can’t he see that this is part of the whole problem? It took him over a month to admit he even cares that I’m gone? Can you say EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE??

It has now been almost four weeks since I have seen my sweetie, and he continues to blow me off. I don’t know why I am still hanging on, I really don’t, other than what else would I be doing? It ain’t exactly like I’m fighting  ‘em off with a stick, people… he leaves for a ten day trip this Friday and so I know it will be at least that much longer, and I really wonder if he’s just waiting for me to get fed up and go away, but I can’t believe he’d be that chickenshit, and I can’t see where things would have gone that wrong all of a sudden.  Am I being tested? I really wonder sometimes. The problem is, I am every bit as stubborn as he is, and I’m not giving up that easy. It sucks being lonely.

I know I won’t go back. But I’m scared as Hell to go forward alone. I know I can do it, but… I just don’t WANT to. I am Magpye God Damnit. I can DO this.

Right?

Lonely Sunday Blues

Okay, so I have pretty much survived the weekend, and my mothers’ visit was actually pretty okay. Other than a lot of doom and gloom advice that left me more stressed out than before but was still important advice, she was pleasant, and she listened and accepted my feelings and overall was very supportive. She listened; so much that I heard myself in some new and informative ways, if that makes sense. So I recant on my previous negativity about her visit. Although I am now convinced I’m a stone’s throw from beinig screwed by everyone in the known universe because I am too trusting… again, perhaps some sage advice, but I’m already doing fine on my stress and anxiety rations for the week, month, year… you name it.
I don’t have any lease agreement, I just moved in here pretty much on a handshake – and THAT was with the upstairs tenants, not the landlord. I didn’t even meet him until I’d lived here a month already. My mother has explained to me the fourteen ways to Sunday I’m going to get screwed on this deal. AWESOME. You know, could it possibly be that everybody in this deal is trusting like me, and if we all mind our manners and play fair, we’ll all be fine? I know, I know, please don’t start lining up the horror stories for me. My upstairs neighbors are nice people, and I do feel like they’re honest and fair. GOD I hope I’m right.
My mother then went on to explain how many different ways my husband can screw me in the divorce, now that I’ve moved out of the house. Well it’d be a new one, he certainly wasn’t very enthused about screwing me during the marriage. Not well, anyway. But that’s another story.
Then it was time to talk finances. People, I’m just SCREWED.
I know I did the right thing… I just wish I had done it… better. I guess I wish I had used my head and not just my heart. I’m just not calculating like that. I couldn’t hang around in the marriage and play nice while squirreling up savings to make my move, I just think that sounds so… evil. So underhanded. When I decided it was time to go, when I knew it really was, then I just had to do it, I couldn’t bide my time and play games, I just don’t work like that.
Now he’s saying oh yeah, we can still be friends only I’m not paying any support, and stuff like that, and there’s that knot in my stomach again, because the only thing he’s willing to credit me with is half equity in the house I know he ain’t selling any time soon. So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I have no idea. I am starting to realize I may actually be scared to death.
So what next? No money, MIA sweetie, feeling pretty freaked out. I keep telling myself I have done the right thing, I have done the right thing, I have done the right thing…