Sometimes gauging my emotions is like watching a tennis match.

Well, things are definitely looking better in my world, thank goodness. R and I had a three hour talk last night and got everything worked out. We are back on track, and life is good. YAY!

Today is Halloween, and as I sit here at my desk typing this, I am dressed up. Last year of course I went as a pirate, and had such an impressive costume (if I do say so myself, and I do) that I won Best Overall in my company. Now, at my company, competition is heavy for these kinds of things. We had a candy container contest two days ago and my section won for scariest – we got our hands on an actual coffin, and old, aged wedding dress and a skull – we threw in some webbing and dead leaves, a fog machine and had our selves the scariest dead bride candy container you ever saw. Most parents wouldn’t even let their kids reach in, but got the candy FOR them. It was AWESOME!

So anyway, like I was saying, last year I was a kickass pirate, and I couldn’t just do the same thing again, that would be a totally rookie move. So, I got this old vest, glued a bunch of discs and floppys to it on which I had written piratey things and drawn skulls and crossbones… put on the basics of the pirate costume with the vest over… fashioned an eyepatch out of a filed-down disc, and voila! SOFTWARE PIRATE. Clever, Eh??

I am so glad I got things worked out with R. I can’t tell you how good I feel today knowing we are okay; I know it’s crazy, I have never connected with anyone over the internet before. But this just really feels like something, something that could be really good… he’s coming out in a little over a month. November is going to be one long freaking month for me….

 

Anyways…. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

Well, I guess I blew it again. This time I went into the chat room where R and I always meet, and I went under a different name, because he always does, and I thought maybe I’d show him how it felt not to know who you were talking to.

Long story short, BIG MISTAKE. He was in under a different name and we got in a huge fight not even knowing who we were and now it seems the whole chat room I have frequented for months as my solace in a lonely life hates me. I don’t know that he has been saying things about me, so I won’t make assumptions, but something is very strange about the sudden hatefest going on in the room where everybody knew and liked me. And I can hardly get him to talk to me because he doesn’t think I understand his point of view about what started the whole thing. I do now. But it was still a scary side of him I had never seen before and it shocked me.

So… what now? I don’t know… are we done? I wish I knew. Part of me says if he can be like that, I need to take my leave. But honestly, a bigger part of me still deeply cares for him and is extremely dismayed over what has happened. I don’t want to let go. But I don’t know that it’s my choice anymore.

Hey, Newsflash… Magpye screws up again. Stupid, stupid me.

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

Well here it is Tuesday, and it’s life, and I’m in it, and it just goes on and on. It’s one of those days where I’m feeling a little frustrated at the constant pain in my back and head; sometimes it’s not so bad and I can ignore it, but some days it really just gets to me. I’m having a day where I’m listening to Seether on my iPod and realizing every song applies to me on some level. Almost to a freaky level, really.

I feel myself wandering in to the doldrums, and I’m not happy about that. I should be happy – I got a good review, a good raise and a huge bonus I wasn’t expecting, I’m starting to feel in control of my life, and I have found someone I think is pretty special. Things should be good for me right now. We are even enjoying a late bit of summer-like weather with sun and warmth unusual for late October. I just hosted my sixth audit in a row with NO FINDINGS. That is awesome for my company.

SIGH… I just feel… bleah. In limbo. It’s weird to have strong feelings for someone you’ve never met; to miss someone who’s never actually been there. He’s working a lot now, perhaps to make the time to come out and visit before Christmas, which would be wonderful. And here I am feeling selfish that he doesn’t have more time for ME. Selfish, selfish Magpye!! BAD!  I mean really… I am not that girl, am I?

Or am I?

God, what if I am? My marriage is in ruin because my husband wouldn’t make any time for me, the next guy who came along went weeks without seeing me… Now R is busy all the time and when we are in the chatrooms I feel like he wants to talk to everyone but me. So, possibly A) I am oversensitive and nobody will ever please me, or B) I have a supernatural ability to drive every guy away. Or there’s always C) I’m so worried about A and B that I overstress where there is really no problems at all and I end up CREATING problems. Hmmm… awesome. Either way, I’m kinda screwed, huh?

I didn’t used to be this way. It’s too easy to blame it all on my husband, but when you spend thirteen years with someone who continually places you on the bottom of his priority list, it can make you a little hypersensitive about how you rate with people. I know I need to get over it if I’m ever going to make a relationship work. Especially with R, who doesn’t need this kind of stress from me.

I actually told my mom about R this weekend. She was amazingly well behaved. I could hear her blood pressure rising right through the phone, but she maintained her cool and said nothing negative (well, other than her usual, like “well at least you know he’s not trying to scam you for your money, because you’re not worth anything”) so I was pleasantly surprised.

Well, We’ll see what happens, and whether I can behave myself…

I know what you’re thinking….

Well this surely isn’t what I planned on…. But here it is.

I have grown to have feelings for someone I have never met. Someone who lives far away, someone who has a host of issues and for all kinds of reasons my logical mind says I should avoid.

But also, someone who is witty, funny, tender, shy and incredibly sweet, and honest about what he’s been through and what he struggles with. Someone who, although never having met me, makes me feel understood and accepted and, well, liked for who I am. And for me, that’s big.

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking, just a few posts back there is a whole big warning about people on the internet and what creeps they can turn out to be. I KNOW. I GET IT.

This is just… well… different, and I don’t know how to explain it. Neither one of us was online looking to MEET someone; neither of us was looking for a relationship of any kind. This just… happened.

I like him a lot. I actually want to meet him. I know I have to be very careful, but I have a feeling of trust with him that I haven’t had with anyone else I’ve chatted with. It’s not hot lust, it’s not swooning head over heels… it’s a warm sense of hope; I guess that’s the best way I can describe it.

I think about him when I’m at work. I think about him when I’m washing the dishes. I would say I think about him when I’m watching TV, but I hardly watch TV because I’m usually on the computer chatting with him. We talk for hours.

He’s talking about coming out for a visit; I’m looking forward to it. I would never, NEVER have said that about anyone online before. I have no idea what to expect… but I am actually willing to find out.

And just like that – it’s over

Well, this has been a sucky day. I started the morning by sending this email:

“Well, I think this is it.

Mike, I don’t want to end this, that’s the last thing I want, and believe me, this is not the first email like this I have written, but I have not been able to make myself send any of them before now. I hope I can see this through today.

I love you. More than I think you understand. But there comes a time when I have to come to terms with the fact that I deserve better. I deserve better than one phone call in two weeks, I deserve better than 5 weeks without any time with you. Slammed or not, if you wanted to see me, really wanted to, you’d find a way, and apparently you just really don’t want to that bad. I know all about your job. Your son. Your trip. Your ex. Your racing. Tell me Mike, do you know anything about what’s going on with me? What my stressors are? What I’m dealing with? I don’t think you do. Because comparatively speaking, it’s not on the same level of importance, is it? 

I’m not angry, Mike, nor am I trying to make you angry. I’m just trying to make you understand why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in limbo and give you all the power to decide when I’m worthy of your presence. It makes me feel like dirt. I’ve been there and I’ve done that, and even my asshole husband could pick up the phone once a day, no matter what country he was in.

I thought we were going to be something, really something. I never wanted to own you, I had no preconceived ideas of what our relationship would be, I was in no hurry. I just know that being with you made me feel like I was on top of the world, and I loved that. I thought you did too. But when you can’t even give me an idea of what to expect without suddenly coming down with clam chowder poisoning, that pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
I don’t want to ever lose you. But it seems I already have.

Please don’t email me back with all the stuff about how you understand and you’re just so slammed right now, it carries no weight with me anymore – words, words, words.

I wish you the best – and if the wind carries you back to me someday, then lucky me.

I will always, always love you.”

And so ends that. All the hope, the promise, all gone. I feel broken. Response? Yeah, Right. Don’t hold your breath. I think this is what he wanted all along.

UUUUURRRGGHHHHHHHH

Well, just when you think life can’t get more ridiculous…

I have discovered it most certainly can.

Now, my stepdad and I are not on speaking terms, because I blew up at him yesterday. I am really hurt at the fact that since the separation he has definitely seemed to have taken a side, and it is not mine. He came to town and stayed at my husband’s, did not even come to visit me or see my new place. He took my entire family except me (including my ex) to his awards ceremony, and when he wants to talk parenting regarding my boys, he calls my ex. How does that all add up in your book?

Also, out of nowhere now my ex suddenly “wants to talk”. This is all I need. You know, it made me mad that he let me go without a fight, but once I’m gone, I’m gone, too bad, so sad, your loss. Don’t start trying to backtrack on me now, can’t he see that this is part of the whole problem? It took him over a month to admit he even cares that I’m gone? Can you say EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE??

It has now been almost four weeks since I have seen my sweetie, and he continues to blow me off. I don’t know why I am still hanging on, I really don’t, other than what else would I be doing? It ain’t exactly like I’m fighting  ‘em off with a stick, people… he leaves for a ten day trip this Friday and so I know it will be at least that much longer, and I really wonder if he’s just waiting for me to get fed up and go away, but I can’t believe he’d be that chickenshit, and I can’t see where things would have gone that wrong all of a sudden.  Am I being tested? I really wonder sometimes. The problem is, I am every bit as stubborn as he is, and I’m not giving up that easy. It sucks being lonely.

I know I won’t go back. But I’m scared as Hell to go forward alone. I know I can do it, but… I just don’t WANT to. I am Magpye God Damnit. I can DO this.

Right?

It’s a small graveyard after all….

Okay, so in my teens, I was a bit… rebellious. Adventurous. Spunky.
Alright, let’s face it – easy.
I lived in the avenues in Salt Lake City, just a block below the City Cemetery, and that was where my friends and I always went to run wild and party. Back in 1985, I was dating a certain young man, and we used to like to go there for ‘alone time’.
Well, one night we got carried away, and in a wild and crazy moment, we ended up ‘doing the deed’ between a large shrubbery and a headstone. The whole time we could hear other voices in the distance, other teens goofing around after dark.

At a critical moment, suddenly a teenage boy came hurling over the headstone, landed right in front of us, and just kept running. We often mused later if he had even seen us there, in the dark, in the rush he was obviously in… but ultimately we dismissed it. In time, I forgot all about the incident.

Years and years later, as a divorced single mom, I was out on a date with someone I had met in my apartment complex. In conversation, we discovered that we had attended the same High School. When he asked where I had lived, and I told him, he was amused at the fact that I had grown up near the cemetery where he and his friends used to love to play tag after dark.

Can you guess what’s coming?

Yes, that’s right; he told me this hilarious anecdote about one night when he was running around in the cemetery, jumped over a headstone and landed right in front of two people right in the middle of ‘the act’. The dates and locations all matched up. Apparently, we had met before.

I almost choked on my lasagna… what does one do in a situation like this? Do you pretend you’re suddenly just having a hot flash at the age of 24, or do you come clean?
Well, I’ve never been one for putting on airs… I laughed my ass off and told him the whole story from my perspective. What are the odds, honestly??

He never called me again… shoot. His loss. He should have known it would have been a sure thing.