Fly in the ointment
February 20, 2009So, things are going pretty well with the marriage counseling and the hubby and I are feeling pretty good about the progress we are making. I think we both see improvements in each other and our ability to listen and respect each other, and that’s been a huge improvement. We are definitely headed in the right direction.
Here’s the problem: my daughter is absolutely against the whole thing. She won’t even entertain the idea that we might work things out, she has said she won’t move back in to the house if that’s what I decide to do, and when I suggested she accompany us for some counseling, the next thing I know I got an angry phone call from her father about what I was supposedly “forcing” her to do against her will.
This kid has spent the last six months overinflating every negative encounter she has ever had with my husband and convinced herself he is Satan in human form, which he certainly is not. In fact, overall he has not been nearly as disciplinary with her as I have been. Now, everyone else in the family is willing to put the past behind us and work on the tools we need to move forward in a more positive way, except her. She absolutely will not let go of every tiny little injustice she feels she’s been dealt, from as far back as second grade (she is going on seventeen). And her dad is just fueling the fire. He uses terms like ‘outcast’ to describe her and it makes me absolutely nuts. She has never been treated like anything but a complete and total member of my family, often to her disliking.
So what am I supposed to do? If I let her move in with her dad full time, I can guarantee her diploma and any purposeful future will go right down the drain. But I have spent sixteen years trying to love this disrespectful, hateful little user, and when is it time for ME to get a break? I have tried, and tried, and tried… and her affection and respect for me only go as far as what she’s getting from me. The minute ‘NO’ comes in to the picture, I’m a rotten bad guy all over again. People, I am so exhausted. She has worn my heart right out.
My husband feels hurt, and is hurting for me right now that she would turn away from me and her brothers simply to avoid the effort of making a new start with him. She can’t face the fact that she has been truly awful to him over the years, and our entire family has spent a great deal of time walking on eggshells as a result of her moods and tempers.
So what do I do? How can I move forward? I have told her I will never choose between her and my husband, but it seems she HAS made a choice… how do I deal with that?
Ah, the trials and tribulations of the neclear family–fractured or otherwise. I’ve never been married, nor do I have any kids, therefore, I don’t know what I could tell you that could even be construyed as helpful.
The positive note is that you’re making progress with your marriage. Not there yet, perhaps but you feel in your gut that whatever this current path you’re both on–however it may end–is the right one.
I was 16 once; I remember my teenaged angst. I was also 16 when I found myself unwittingly but deeply embroiled in my parents’ divorce. Your daughter has her reasons for disliking her father. You can’t discount them. If you don’t know what resentment she’s harboring towards her father but she doesn’t enough life under her belt to respond any other way. She’s a child and the one thing she knows for sure (a holdover from her days as a toddler) is that tantrums work. We learn very, very early how to manipulate people to get our way.
If you were to ask me for my advice, which you aren’t…and it’s difficult for a stranger to assess anything, because I’m ignorant to the specific ways and means of your current situation, but I would have a nice long talk with your daughter to determine why there’s so much hostility toward your husband and the possibily of one day getting back together.
Your child is important, I know…especially since she’s a juvenile and dependent on you for almost everything. Even so, this is your life, too. You can’t refuse your happiness AND your right to be happy, in order to asuage or compensate for your child’s feelings–whatever they might be.
Good luck.
Best,
LK
Sounds like you have quite the problem. I know i have an 17 yr old with the same problem, I hope you choose wisely. In my case i didnt.
You aren’t divorced? I totally thought you were.
I think I can identify somewhat with how she’s feeling- I don’t recall ever loving, or really ever being that concerned for the well being of my meth smoking step-father. Granted, he was a marriage in- how your daughter’s own father can call her an outcast is a mystery to me and a testament to how little faith I have in men in general.
Regardless, it’s apparent that your daughter is not going to snuggle up to dad anytime soon. The first thing that pops into my head is to talk to him and explain to him that in order for her to be able to start healing, he needs to stop rubbing salt in the wound. This is tricky, though, because if you march up to him and tell him that he’s wrong and you’re right, he’ll naturally gets defensive and angry. What you need to focus on is not the fact that he’s hurting his daughter because he already knows that he’s hurting her and will not be persuaded by a moral warning, rather you need to focus on explaining the bigger picture- the overall agenda. If he wants things to work out between you and him, neither of you want your daughter to come kicking and screaming into the middle. In order for you two to get back together, sooner or later, he’ll have to make relative peace with his daughter, and that means first of all stopping the snide “you aren’t welcome and you don’t belong” comments, and second of all working to let her know and understand that he realizes that being enemies is more trouble than it’s worth because it takes energy to be angry and it forces you to choose between them, therefore it’s in his best interest to make amends.
The next mountain to climb is how to get your daughter to calm down enough to not be mad at dad and be wiling to search for a cease-fire. From your generalized description of the problem, it sounds like dad is the bad guy attacking the victim daughter, but after having mentioned that she’s a user, I seriously doubt that either party has clean hands. Whether or not her offenses are just as grave as her father’s, I suggest the same tactic of having the “being angry solves nothing, it’s time to realize that being friends makes both of your lives that much easier” talk. Remember to maintain your main point of “making peace is better,” because if you so much as tiptoe into the “you owe him because are a snot to your father and you are forbidden to stand in our way” realm, then communication will instantly break down. Stick to your rational “it will make your life easier to be friends” guns.