Road Map of Owwies

 

Burns. Scars. Bruises. Pains. Heartaches. Fears. All kinds of hurts, from all kinds of experiences. As you grow older, they begin to pile up on you, and you get to where your body and mind tell their own stories. This scar is from the flesh-eating fungal infection I got on my arm six years ago. That burn is from my teen years when I wasn’t good at dealing with my problems in healthy ways. This scar is from my carpal tunnel release surgery; that one is from all the time I spent in the hospital with IVs in my arm during and after my brain surgery episode. Oh, that reminds me of my best scar…

I’m getting to that point in my life where the scars help me remember my stories. Without them, some things I’ve experienced would probably start to fade in my memory. I don’t think my scars are ugly… they’re just part of my story. And I have a lot of them, inside and out. They all play a part in shaping me, one way or another. The two diagonal slash marks on my left middle finger are from slicing my finger while trying to help my mom cut potatoes when I was just five; that is probably my oldest scar. The funniest one is probably the one on my shoulder where I accidentally buried a luer during a bad cast while fishing one day. My most recent? Hard to say; perhaps the deep burn on my right palm, from a cigarette lighter. Or the internal scar that led to it…

So many women obsess about scars, about covering them, about how unsightly they are. Me, I don’t have any problem with my scars. They help me remember what makes me, ME. I’m okay with that. The good and the bad, the ups and the downs, it’s all there.

(In between all the tattoos, of course.)

Brain scans, and other things

So, I came home from work yesterday to find a voicemail on my message machine from the eye doctor’s assistant saying they had already scheduled my MRI appointment for this coming Monday. I have to arrive an hour early so they can give me the little pill that makes it okay to shove me all the way in that tight little tube and leave me there for an hour while all the horrible noises go on all around me. And since they’re giving me the little pill, I have to have someone to drive me home.

This is ridiculous. I have such a high tolerance to the little pill, they could give me three or four and I could still pass a field sobriety test without blinking. Oh, I know it’s procedure, its protocol, it’s for the hospital’s safety as well as my own… but it’s still stupid. Now I have to hope my husband will be available to drive me all the way uptown in the middle of the day Monday, which I won’t know until he gets back from Italy, which won’t be until late Sunday night, by which time it will be far too late to reschedule. Arrrgh, why do things have to be so complicated all the time?? On a lighter note, I started taking the medication he prescribed, and maybe it’s too soon to tell, but my eye seems steadier already…

I thought it would be nice housesitting for a week while my husband was away, being back in my house again, but I find that staying there as a visitor is really bizarre and frustrating. Things are weird right now; I’m feeling pulled halfway between two worlds – the married world and the separated world, and I don’t feel like I belong entirely in either one right now. I feel… displaced, I guess. It’s an odd feeling, and I don’t know quite what to do with it.

Part of me is sure that eventually I will move back home and resume my marriage. But another part of me believes that to do so would only continue the unhappiness I had been feeling for years. Things seem much better now, but is it only because I’m gone? He treats me differently, but is it only because he’s trying to get me back home? Would it last, or would he go back to being the same indifferent, distant roommate he was before? I know this is why we are in counseling. And it’s early yet. But I just wish there were easy answers, and I know there aren’t. What to do, what to do??

Disturbed and the Jiggly-Eye

Tired, tired, TIRED…. Falling asleep at work today. Disturbed played last night, and in spite of fighting for a good spot for my smallish 16 year old in a general admission venue, the show was AWESOME. We had a total blast! Skindred opened, and I have to say I liked them even more than the second band, Sevendust. But when Disturbed finally took the stage, there was no question who dominated the entire evening, hands down. I was pleased to find that Disturbed is a band that plays as well live as on their CDs… awesome, awesome show. We came, we saw, we got T-shirts.

Then I had to get up early this morning and go all the way uptown for a neuro-opthalmic eye appointment, to address this eye-bobbing issue. What a nightmare. I would have given ANYTHING to sleep in this morning! Then I got lost trying to get there, was half an hour late… good thing they were nice about it and didn’t make me reschedule. Anyway, the assistant put me through the regular tests, read this, point at that, you know the drill. Then she starts talking about dilating my eyes… I’m like, ‘What?  No no no! I have to WORK today! I have an AUDIT! I NEED my eyes!’ Just then the doctor came in and looked me over, talked to me about my symptoms and all. Turns out he didn’t need me dilated after all, thank goodness! He has prescribed me a medication normally used for parkinsons’ disease, but that has been found to work in cases of “Jiggly Eye” (That’s exactly what he called it, I’m not kidding).

And of course, he wants the ever-predictable follow-up MRI, ‘just to be sure nothing has changed’. Which is Doctor-speak for ‘Hey, New Year, new deductible, let’s get to spending!’ I have been getting occasional follow-up MRIs for the past 18 years; nothing changes, other than the amount I owe. It’s pointless. But God forbid I forego the MRI one time it’s offered, and I end up having some bizarre re-growth of the cavernoma that goes unnoticed until it bleeds out and I’m dead. That would be just my luck.

No, really, I’m serious, if you knew me, you’d know that WOULD be just my luck. Totally.

I even got lost on my way back from the place, couldn’t find the freeway to save my life, didn’t get to work until 11:30, and my auditor was almost ready to leave. Thank goodness for good coworkers who know how to pitch in when I can’t be around. They had already taken care of all his questions, given him the tour, the whole nine.  There was hardly anything for me to do but make my introductions. Yay coworkers!

So here I sit, ears ringing from last night, going on not near enough sleep, knowing I need to stay late to make up for coming in late….ugh.

But was Disturbed worth it?

Heh… yeah.

Magpye’s Big Adventure

Boy has it been a busy week! You can tell because I haven’t even had enough time to waste at work to post even one blog entry all week long. And I had stuff to write about, too.

Last weekend, my friend D and I decided to hang out. So I met her at her place and we were sitting and talking, and somehow the conversation turned to ‘toys’ and I mentioned that I could never go into one of ‘those’ stores. Well, that was it – D was determined that not only was I going to one of ‘those’ stores, but that I was going to BUY something. I fought hard against the idea, I really, really did – I stonewalled with all my might… but D was not to be swayed. So after lunch, she dragged me to one of those places. I tried to make light of how embarrassed I was, saying to the clerk on the way in “If anyone calls, I’M NOT HERE”, and off we went to the little walled-off private area where they keep THOSE sorts of things.

May I say OH MY GOD????

I had NO IDEA what kind of stuff was out there. Holy crap. Frightening? Confusing? Awe-inspiring?? Just plain physically impossible???

People, if you have not been to one of these places, I suggest you go. And I suggest you be drunk when you do. It was the most hilarious thing I have seen in many years. I mean, sure, there were your average and sundry items that you’d expect, but then there were things… I had no idea how they would even be used. And I didn’t want to know. My knowledge base has increased exponentially through that one trip.

And of course, there was that one, creepy older guy, wandering aimlessly, seeming to try casually to saunter ever closer to me… ICK!

Well, whether I made a purchase and/or what it was I shall keep to myself. But the moral of the story is, go check out one of these places! They are a RIOT!!

HAPPY FRIDAY

Oh goodie, the workday is almost over, and you can tell how hard I’m working right now. (NOT)

Actually I have been rather productive today, so I don’t feel so terribly bad about taking a few minutes to post a new entry. I am SO glad the week is vurtually over, as I said previously it’s been a killer. As I write this, I am being annoyed by the constant bobbing of my right eyeball, which over the last few months has grown more and more resistant to the idea of sitting still like it’s left counterpart and just letting me LOOK at stuff. This is a big concern for me, as this is the eye that sustained the most nerve damage when I had my stroke as a teen, and the last time I had it seriously looked at it was just starting to droop a bit and the doctors said it was a sign that it was deteriorating with age. Im worried that this new ‘bobbing’ development is the next step in how bad things are going to get.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if the biggest pirate enthusiast around ended up having to wear an eyepatch? Like anyone would believe it was not by choice…. LOL. Of course, I’d have to design my own styles, to match my many piratey moods… and have a nice professional looking one for audit days. Is there such a thing as a professional looking eyepatch, I wonder? Maybe a simple, black satin number with piping around the edges…?

Anyhoo, Im also excited because I got my Disturbed tickets, and the concert is less than 2 weeks away, Woo Hoo! I haven’t gone to a good head bangin’ event in WAYYY too long. I’m taking my 16 year old daughter, and she’s about to wet her pants she’s so hyped about it. Yep, I am the coolest pirate lovin’ mom around these days…..

The Longest week EVER

Man, I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over; this has been the longest week in history. Take a three day Regulatory Accreditation audit, add in two additional sponsor audits, throw in three bad weather days where travel is a nightmare, and an eyeball that is steadily growing more and more unsteady – I’ll tell you, it takes it out of ya. I am BEAT.

But, I just have to get through tonight with the kids, and tomorrow at work, and then I’m free for a few days. Free to sleep in, free to bum around, free to do nothing or anything. Free to get a little REST.

Just… 24… hours…

Got… to hang… on…

Come on, Mags, keep it together. I know I’m just worked up because I have to battle Satan tonight when I get home…. Oh yeah, TOTALLY addicted to Guitar Hero. And here I thought I bought that Wii for my kids… HA!

I have to say it is amazing how much activity you put in to things without even realizing it. I tried bouncing soccer balls off my head for just a few minutes last night and today my whole core aches. I mean, muscles I couldn’t target if I TRIED. It’s pretty cool!

Where’s my Advil?? WHERE’S MY ADVIL PEOPLE????

You’re officially invited

 

So hey there, my faithful readers (I can never seem to write that without snickering to myself in my mind sarcastically), I am wondering just how many of you really read my blog, and how many are just random posts on alphainventions.com. So, I am inviting you to my chat room. Of course, it’s not MY chatroom, it’s owned and run by ICQ.Com, and that’s the website you’ll need to visit to get there. You can either create an account, or go straight to the chat page as a guest. Under General, there is a room called ‘LOST”. That is where I spend most of my time. Due to certification issues, my screen name there is ‘Maggpye”.

Anyone who wants to drop in, I’m usually around once or twice a day, or you can say hi to my buddies Tony50, LOST, Verbal Assasin (who is cranky, I’ll warn you,) Amos, Bellz, Acataleptic, Blue Mule, Evil Monkey, and everyone else. Don’t be shy, just jump right in and start talking with people – You’ll be amazed how addicting it can become… I’m truly interested to see if I meet any of you there!

See you soon, I hope!

The New Year’s Eve Chicken Torching

Yep… I burned it. And no, we’re not talking about over-cooking the New Years Eve meal; we’re talking about the symbolic chicken that was a souveneir from a weekend trip taken by myself and he-who-shall-no-longer-be-named. On New Year’s Eve, I took that little hen, and I tenderly laid it on the fire, and I watched it go up in flames. Bye Bye, chicken. See you in Hell.

Part of moving on, is letting go of the negative things in your past. Hwsnlbn is one of those things I have let go, completely.the burning of the chicken was not malicious, but symbolic. Ashes. All gone.

Im not making resolutions per se this year; but I do resolve to reflect on the decisions and behaviors from last year that brought me to where I am today; which were good, which were bad. Which I could do better letting go of, which I want to strengthen and build on.

I watched Jim Carrey’s ‘Yes Man’ yesterday, and although it was a rather silly movie, it did get me thinking… am I saying no to too many opportunities in my life? I saw a lot of parallells to my own situation there, and found it interesting. Certainly one of those things I will be reflecting on….