Good Riddance to a Turkey of a Turkey Day

Well this year, things were changed up a bit. Due to the separation, instead of my husband and I hosting the perfect dinner assembled effortlessly through years of practice, my brother and his wife stepped up and offered to host the occasion.

It just wasn’t the same.

I had invited my ex to our dinner, partly because he has no other family with which to spend the holiday, and partly to be nice and show that we can be civil and share in these events for the sake of our kids. It was for the most part alright, until he spotted the lighter burns on my wrists and started hounding me about whether or not they were accidental. I do not, and will not lie, and so my only option was to simply refuse to discuss it. He was pissed, but I stood firm and he eventually dropped it.

Other than the flat tire, my parents judging my drinking, my stepdad’s neverending wierdness, and the like, we all basically survived. It was just… wierd.

R was supposed to have been here by now. I have no idea when/if he is ever coming now. I feel like he is avoiding me. He’s never in the chat room anymore, and if I can get a two-word text from him, thats twice the size of normal. Who knows what will happen… surely not me at this point. Limbo Limbo, that sure is me….

Please keep your hands inside the ride at all times

Well welcome back to the Roller Coaster that is my life…. once again what was, has been turned upside down again. R and I are talking, a mutual friend in the chat room we frequent basically forced us to kiss and make up, but we are going to start over. He’s not coming out right now, we are going to work on some things first, make sure we both have some stuff straight before we pursue anything furher. What does that mean? Honestly, I don’t really know. But taking more time never hurt anybody, I guess, and for whatever reason, despite his problems, there’s something about him that makes me want to keep trying. He makes me nuts, he pisses me off, he constantly tries my patience, and I worry myself sick over him. But I want to keep trying, and that says something, right? Maybe it just says I need professional help… but it does say something.

Meanwhile it’s Friday, I have just about survived another week… he was supposed to be here in only a few days and I’m dissappointed that it won’t be happening, but I realize it makes sense to wait a little now and work some stuff out. Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and remind me why I invited my ex to join us this year? Oh yeah, because I was trying to be nice. You know, I still like the guy, he’s a good guy, overall. I just don’t want to be the wife he avoids at every opportunity anymore. Being alone is still better than that. He came to my apt this weekend to fix a broken door, it’s the first time he’s even been there since the day I moved in. He didn’t say anything, but I could see him looking around and seeing how much of the place was… ME. And I think maybe he realized how much of me I couldn’t be when I was with him… or maybe not. He looked at my pirate flags, my Jack Sparrow statue, the treasure chest at the end of my bed, my life-size Jack Sparrow cutout (that was a housewarming gift) the little dead pirates in their little cages hanging on my walls, the huge Skull & Bones POC logo I got from my nephew who works at Best buy and snagged it for me… He’s got to be realizing Im not coming home. There’s just not enough room in that old house for my pirate stuff, and man, nothing is ever coming between me and my pirate stuff AGAIN.

Can someone please just kill me now?

Seriously. I would really appreciate it – it would be such  nice reprieve from the ups and downs, highs and lows, good and bads that are completely wearing me out. R and I are quits, and it ended badly – very badly. R is a manic depressive and went manic all over me in a public chatroom while all our friends and acquaintances sat back and watched. It was awful, humiliating, and devastating. Everything I have tried to do to help him he threw in my face as being controlling and pushy, told me how stupid I was for expecting I could “fix him just by being the wonder that is me”. OUCH. I never wanted to fix the guy… I just wanted to love him. It goes on from there, but I really don’t want to go over it all again. Needless to say, the meeting is off. The worst part is that he accused me of never accepting him for who he was… that really frosts my ass, you know? I knew exactly who he was, and I was willing to roll up my sleeves and deal with it, and he tells me I never accepted him. Dammit. He knew right where to hit where it hurts. I agonized over his pain, all I wanted to do was try to make it better. Shame on me.

F is for Friday, Freedom, Fun…

TGIF, TGIF, TGIF… I am a happy Magpye today. My boss got me my bonus check early, so now I have money in the bank and won’t starve before my next paycheck… YAY!! My kids are all with their dad for a few days FINALLY and I am SO looking forward to a quiet weekend all… by…myself. Just me, some Netflix movies, and of course my laptop. God, that sounds wonderful!

My auditors this week finally broke my finding-free streak, but they had to spend 2 days looking very hard to come up with the two very minor observations that they could find. And you know what corporate had to say about not making it to number nine? Great job, Magpye! Your audit ready plan is working so well! Let’s see how many we can get in a row next time!

My company is awesome. I could make a lot more money somewhere else, but I would never leave here. My company ROCKS.

Well R is making me crazy; the time is rapidly approaching when he’s supposedly coming to visit, but he still won’t give me exact dates so I can put in for vacation. I’m getting very excited to meet him. There was a time I was so anxious about it that it was totally stressing me out, but now, I’m really pretty stoked. I feel good about it, and even though everyone I know is telling me he’ll turn out to be some serial killer, ha ha, I just don’t have the anxious feeling about it that I did a few weeks ago. We’ve talked on the phone, and online, so much that I really do feel like I know him pretty well. I have imagined our first meeting a hundred ways, what will I do, what will he do, will it be awkward, will it be like we’ve known each other forever, will we hug, will we kiss, I just don’t know. Oh, the anticipation! I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl, tee hee!

Well, back to reality, I have calibration records to review and auditors to schedule. TGIF!!!!

The Big Number Nine

Well here I sit at my desk, counting down the time until my auditors show up today. I am under great pressure to get through this audit with no findings, that will put us at NINE in a row, a testament to my ‘audit ready philosophy’ training program that I was asked by corporate to develop and implement. This is the thing that has everybody in corporate happy with me, and I certainly want to keep them happy!

Just tonight and tomorrow with the kids, and then I get some ME time, I’m greatly looking forward to that… curling up on the couch or in the love sac and watching anything that is NOT a very badly done cartoon – Ugh, it amazes me what they put out there for kids to watch these days, and I even block the worst channels. I guess it bothers me because my kids are smart, and I mean SMART – we went to parent teacher conferences last Thursday and I was pleased to discover that both my boys scored way above school average and even above National averages in most subjects on their end of year tests last year. It’s such a nice change from my daughters conferences, which are usually frustrating and almost embarrasing. I hate to say that, I love my daughter for who she is – she is smart, witty, compassionate, imaginative, and unique. I just wish she would apply herself more, I know she could be doing so much better. She has to spend half her time with her dad’s circus freak act of a family, and I know that doesn’t help – those people are seriously disturbed. But they will band together and lie, lie, lie in court which is why I could never get sole custody in the first place. I don’t want to take her away from her dad, who is the least of all the evils in that home – but between the psycho grandmother, to the 300 pound sex-changing uncle, to his several adopted kids with serious behavioral issues that are not being addressed… I worry so much about her when she’s there. I almost had her move in with me full time this summer, but at the last minute crazy grandma put her massive foot down and ordered my ex to fix things with her so she would stay. UGH.

How much longer can that fat manatee of a woman live, honestly? And when she does kick over, who’s basement will my ex live in then???

Monday, Monday

Well here it is the start of a new week….

Hopefully a good one. Last week was just way too much stress, and it really took its toll on me; I don’t think I got more than 2 hours sleep any night last week. Between having the kids and the @#$%&!!?? Dog all week, to dealing with the STUPID FREAKING SNOW, to the stress at work and stressing about the direction of my personal life, it wore me out!

This week holds promise, though. My ex gets home Thursday to take the kids and the dog, and I get a break – a badly needed one. I love my kids, but having all of them in my little apartment is a challenge. I finally took the boys over to the old house and ‘housesitted’ for the weekend, figuring as long as he’s gone, why not?

That was just a little depressing. He’s totally let the yard go, it’s all nasty weeds and dead stuff now. And we worked so hard to kill it all off and re-seed it just a year ago. What a waste. And the back fence is totally falling down, mostly due to my aggressive little terrier and his show of ultimate power and fearlessness to the big retriever that lives on the other side. One day he will chew his way all the way through, and believe me, he will be in for a big surprise. That other dog craps bigger than he is, for hell’s sake…

But anyway, it was nice to be back home for a few days, I miss the place. I got to have a long phone conversation with R, which is nice – when I hear him on the phone I get such a different perspective of his personality, his sweetness. It calms a lot of those little fears of the unknown. He has a really nice, warm voice that just makes me feel better. I’m looking forward to doing a lot more talking before his visit, I think that will be really good.

Raining today; I love this weather. I’ll take pouring rain over a little snow anyday!!

Snowy Wednesday Blues

Today is a crappy day; I woke up to snow everywhere and below freezing temps – had to make my first scary snow-drive from my new place all the way down to work. Not too bad this morning, but I was lucky – tomorrow, the roads will be iced and slick and I don’t feel so good when I think about it. If I had been smart, I would have brought what I needed with me today and just stayed with the kids at the old house – my ex is out of town for 10 days on business. But… it did not occur to me.

SO… it will be back up the mountain I go tonight; and gingerly down again in the morning. I HATE SNOW!!!

I was supposed to get my raise and bonus today on my paycheck… but I didn’t. I had been counting on that money, and now it will be another two weeks on ramen and tap water before I get a little cushion to get ahead. My dear friend J tried so hard to give me money today, it was sweet at the same time it was depressing. I’m 14 years older, have a better job, should be responsible enough to care for my kids.

And yet there he was doggedly trying to get me to take his cash… I didn’t. I can’t. I won’t.

Haven’t talked to R in the last day or so… tried to log in and chat with him last night, but when I got in there he was trashing someone because they had irritated him, and it only took a few minutes to realize he was in no place from which I could reach him. I don’t know. It really makes me uneasy when I see him like that. It makes me nervous. It makes me doubt. I just have to be so careful about what I do with my life right now, both for me AND my kids.

I care for him. I really do. But when I see him in one of these moods, enraged in the chat rooms, the things he says and the person he is… I don’t like it. The story it tells me is not one with a happy ending. And as he himself once told me, I deserve better than that. I know better at this late date than to think I’m going to fix him, change him, HEAL him. I have to let him be who he is. But I hurt for him… I wish I could make things better, I WISH I could do those things. I see the good person struggling inside all the torment and the sadness, and I wish I could pull him free. But I know better than to think I have all the answers…

So… what to do? What to do… I wish I knew….

Change

Well, our nation experienced a history-making event last night. We witnessed the election of America’s first black president.

Now, I don’t know where you stand politically, and personally, I don’t get all that involved in politics. But whatever side of the party fence you stand on, you have to admit this is huge – whether it ultimately be for good or bad, better or worse;  there is no way to predict what this will bring our country in the days to come. But we have ELECTED OUR FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT, and the world has changed. Can you appreciate the enormity of it? Can you even wrap your mind around what this means in a global sense for our country? Anything, anything could happen at this point. There is no way to predict where we will be one year from now.  

We have changed, as a nation, forever. Will you remember where you were when you heard?