And now for something completely different

I’ve had it, I give up, I don’t know what to do anymore. Things just keep getting worse and I don’t know how much more I can handle.

Last night my son took my little dog for a walk. He has been acting unusual ever since being neutered, unusally agressive – the dog, not my son – anyway, to my horror, my son comes home in tears to report that while walking my dog has lunged and bitten a man who is now at my door wanting to talk to me.

The man was calm and reasonable, and actually apologetic for having yelled intitally at my son upon being bitten, but my dog got him good on the upper thigh, which means he really went at him, considering he’s a little thing of all of thirteen pounds. He wanted to make sure Gus had been current on all his shots and hadn’t been acting strangely and that sort of thing, took all my information and so on. I was devastated. The guy said he would just treat it topically and not persue anything further unless it got infected, but still…  I’m just freaked out, totally. If he changes his mind, I could be ruined. I was so apologetic, so sorry that my dog had done that, I don’t know what has gotten into him lately. I have to call the vet today and see what she has to say about this wierd behavior; I thought dogs were supposed to mellow out after getting snipped, not turn into maniacs.

My son feels horrible. I’m frustrated with him because he knows better than to let Gus near strangers and I can just picture him standing there with that dumbstruck look on his face watching it happen, but at the same time, I know he’s freaked out.

What next???

Another Lost Weekend

Well here it is Sunday night, and I should be heading off to bed. I had a weird weekend. I went out last night with my friend D, to shoot some pool and have some drinks, and ended up getting picked up on by what can only be described as “Conan O’Brien Meets Deliverance”. Ugh, is this what I have to look forward to? Mike comes back from his trip in the next day or two, and it would be really great if he’s done some serious thinking and wants to stick around, but I have to be ready for the real probability that he has spent the last ten days psyching himself up to come back and end it. The thing that sucks is he makes me feel sexy and beautiful and all this great shit, and in the real world guess what? I’m old, and fat, and I don’t have a chance. Oh, boo hoo Mags, shut up. I know. I feel like such an idiot. I don’t want to go OUT THERE. So… I guess the thing to do is get ready to enjoy being alone, if that’s what it comes to. God, I need hobbies.
My right eye has been bouncing almost nonstop for almost a week now and it’s really starting to freak me out. I have residual optic muscle damage from the stroke I had when I was a teenager, and about 2 years ago that eye started drooping, so I had to have special prisms put in my glasses to stop seeing double. It’s degenerative; I’m worried that this new twitch/bounce thing is the next stage in my ever-failing eyesight. If so, that could really, really suck. I don’t think they make lenses for that. I need to see to do my job, ya know?
Man, I picked a great time to strike out on my own. Not that I would take it back.

Pathetic, with a capital P

So here we are days later, and guess who is still in Limbo? Can you spell MAGPYE?
He’s gone on his diving vacation. He left with an email stating he’s going to figure out if he wants this relationship or not, because his 18 year old son doesn’t want him to date me because then HE’D be too lonely, and too many people (2 exactly, neither of whom know me) in his life think I’m just using him as a rebound, and he’s not sure he wants to give up his freedom.
And just how pathetic am I? Sitting here with my fingers crossed still hoping. I know, I know. I’m an idiot. This is exactly what I chew other girls out for doing. What the Hell?
I guess when there’s only one thing you want, it’s hard to consider anything else. I hate that I have reduced myself to this. I am embarrassed and ashamed. Could I go on? Of course. Have I considered the fact that that very well may be what happens? Yes. Can I bear the thought? I have to, I guess, but it’s Hell. I just don’t understand how all this happened. Everything was great, then POOF. I don’t get it. He still says he loves me, but I don’t think he has any idea what I’m going through. It seems like this is all about what will work for him. What he wants, what he decides, what’s best for his life. I didn’t think he was that guy. I still don’t want to think he’s that guy. Stupid me? We’ll see, won’t we?
Meanwhile, my stepfather has dropped the bombshell on my mom that he suspects I have a boyfriend. I find this both amusing and irritating, since he has hardly spoken to me since the separation and is right now off on a hunting trip with my husband. All I need is for him to open his fat mouth which he does with alarming regularity about things he has no knowledge of and get my husband all worked up about something that I don’t even know is anything. Man, I love that guy. You got a problem you need worse in a hurry? Add my stepdad and step back.
You know, there was a time when my blogs were funny. I miss those times.

Raw and bleeding

I shouldn’t be allowed to be around people when I’m this growly. I don’t trust myself. I swear if my co-worker mentions one more time what a beautiful day it is, I’m going to see just how far down her throat my fist will go before I feel something rupture.

He won’t return my texts. He won’t answer my calls. Why do you leave someone a comment on their blog saying you love them so very much and would do anything for them, and then cut them off completely? Is this some new form of torture?

He leaves for a diving vacation tomorrow, gone for ten days. Can I even hope He’ll take that time to work out some feelings and come back ready to talk?

Look at me, I’m a complete wreck. This isn’t me, Goddamnit. No man has ever reduced me to this. But no other man has ever been Mike, and therein lies the rub, as they say.

I can’t believe there are people in his life telling him to stay away from me. How dare they. What do they think, I’ll go running back to my ex the first time there’s trouble? I’M NOT GOING BACK. Not now. Not ever. I can’t imagine surrendering to the life I had, and you couldn’t pay me to give up the stress and financial uncertainty that I can now call my own freedom. I have rediscovered the me that I used to be proud to be, not ashamed because he looked down on everything that made me happy. How can people be telling him to stay away, and how can he be listening?

I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. All I can do is stare at my phone and pray for that which I know won’t happen. I hurt all over, and there’s only one thing that can fix it.

Dammit.

Mike, where are you?

One small comfort

Well, I got Gus-Gus back from the vet today, and it has done me a world of good to have him here with me. In the separation, it was decided that ‘he’ would keep Abbbie, our blue heeler, and I would keep Gus, since I was the one who moved heaven and earth to bring him to this planet in the first place. Only thing is, my upstairs neighbors were open-minded but hesitant about having a dog downstairs, so I promised them than A) he is crate-trained, and B) I wouldn’t move him in full time until he was neutered. So that was fiinally taken care of yesterday, and today I picked him up along with his crate and all his stuff from my ex’s house, and just having him here at my feet while i type is wonderfully soothing. Sure, it’s going to be more work, with the walking and cleaning up, but I think it’s going to make our relationship better. I pity anyone on this planet who hasn’t known the feeling of truly loving and being loved by a dog. I’ve had all kinds – big ones, little ones, from Newfies and Great Pyrenees to dogs as small as Gus, a fourteen pound Cairn terrier. I had a brain-damaged Newfie-lab mix once who never understood he grew up; he still thought he was a tiny lapdog all his life. He was a riot.
I don’t know what’s going on with Mike. His sudden appearance in the comments section of my last blog has left me more confused than ever, and of course has since refused any contact, no matter how I have tried. But you know what? My dog loves me. Unconditionally. I never have to worry about what he’s really thinking or who’s telling him I’m not good enough. He just loves me, and he’s always there. God bless Gus-Gus.

And just like that – it’s over

Well, this has been a sucky day. I started the morning by sending this email:

“Well, I think this is it.

Mike, I don’t want to end this, that’s the last thing I want, and believe me, this is not the first email like this I have written, but I have not been able to make myself send any of them before now. I hope I can see this through today.

I love you. More than I think you understand. But there comes a time when I have to come to terms with the fact that I deserve better. I deserve better than one phone call in two weeks, I deserve better than 5 weeks without any time with you. Slammed or not, if you wanted to see me, really wanted to, you’d find a way, and apparently you just really don’t want to that bad. I know all about your job. Your son. Your trip. Your ex. Your racing. Tell me Mike, do you know anything about what’s going on with me? What my stressors are? What I’m dealing with? I don’t think you do. Because comparatively speaking, it’s not on the same level of importance, is it? 

I’m not angry, Mike, nor am I trying to make you angry. I’m just trying to make you understand why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in limbo and give you all the power to decide when I’m worthy of your presence. It makes me feel like dirt. I’ve been there and I’ve done that, and even my asshole husband could pick up the phone once a day, no matter what country he was in.

I thought we were going to be something, really something. I never wanted to own you, I had no preconceived ideas of what our relationship would be, I was in no hurry. I just know that being with you made me feel like I was on top of the world, and I loved that. I thought you did too. But when you can’t even give me an idea of what to expect without suddenly coming down with clam chowder poisoning, that pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
I don’t want to ever lose you. But it seems I already have.

Please don’t email me back with all the stuff about how you understand and you’re just so slammed right now, it carries no weight with me anymore – words, words, words.

I wish you the best – and if the wind carries you back to me someday, then lucky me.

I will always, always love you.”

And so ends that. All the hope, the promise, all gone. I feel broken. Response? Yeah, Right. Don’t hold your breath. I think this is what he wanted all along.

Something cute

pirate-encyclopedia

click above for a little something cute. I’m not good at all this fancy uploading stuff so this is the best I could do.

It’s not Fatal

Sometimes, you have a saying that gets you through, a credo if you will. And you use that credo to spur others on in their times of crisis, and it becomes that thing that keeps you going, and you see it hit home with those around you when you speak the words, and you know it to be true, and it gives you great comfort, and you know nothing can stand against the simple truth of it.

And sometimes, you completely forget it, and you become a wreck.

And then, after floundering pathetically for an unspecified length of time, something clicks, and it comes back to you, and you’re like, “Oh yeah, that’s right – what was I thinking!”

Mine came to me by way of Linus Van Pelt.

I don’t remember what Peanuts TV special it was, but there was one in which Charlie Brown was in a Spelling Bee, and he lost. He was despondent and feeling like there was no point in living – as usual. It was then that Linus spoke these sage words: “But did you notice something Charlie Brown? The world didn’t stop spinning, did it?”

And from that came my personal credo of inner strength and perserverance: It’s not fatal.

This is not fatal. Being broke, being alone, being afraid, being hurt, starting over, having nothing, these things are not fatal. Until just recently, I had forgotten my own credo, and as any good Gunslinger would say, I have forgotten the face of my father.

I will survive. I will overcome. I will triumph. I will do all these things.  And why?

Because I AM THE MAGPYE!

UUUUURRRGGHHHHHHHH

Well, just when you think life can’t get more ridiculous…

I have discovered it most certainly can.

Now, my stepdad and I are not on speaking terms, because I blew up at him yesterday. I am really hurt at the fact that since the separation he has definitely seemed to have taken a side, and it is not mine. He came to town and stayed at my husband’s, did not even come to visit me or see my new place. He took my entire family except me (including my ex) to his awards ceremony, and when he wants to talk parenting regarding my boys, he calls my ex. How does that all add up in your book?

Also, out of nowhere now my ex suddenly “wants to talk”. This is all I need. You know, it made me mad that he let me go without a fight, but once I’m gone, I’m gone, too bad, so sad, your loss. Don’t start trying to backtrack on me now, can’t he see that this is part of the whole problem? It took him over a month to admit he even cares that I’m gone? Can you say EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE??

It has now been almost four weeks since I have seen my sweetie, and he continues to blow me off. I don’t know why I am still hanging on, I really don’t, other than what else would I be doing? It ain’t exactly like I’m fighting  ‘em off with a stick, people… he leaves for a ten day trip this Friday and so I know it will be at least that much longer, and I really wonder if he’s just waiting for me to get fed up and go away, but I can’t believe he’d be that chickenshit, and I can’t see where things would have gone that wrong all of a sudden.  Am I being tested? I really wonder sometimes. The problem is, I am every bit as stubborn as he is, and I’m not giving up that easy. It sucks being lonely.

I know I won’t go back. But I’m scared as Hell to go forward alone. I know I can do it, but… I just don’t WANT to. I am Magpye God Damnit. I can DO this.

Right?

Lonely Sunday Blues

Okay, so I have pretty much survived the weekend, and my mothers’ visit was actually pretty okay. Other than a lot of doom and gloom advice that left me more stressed out than before but was still important advice, she was pleasant, and she listened and accepted my feelings and overall was very supportive. She listened; so much that I heard myself in some new and informative ways, if that makes sense. So I recant on my previous negativity about her visit. Although I am now convinced I’m a stone’s throw from beinig screwed by everyone in the known universe because I am too trusting… again, perhaps some sage advice, but I’m already doing fine on my stress and anxiety rations for the week, month, year… you name it.
I don’t have any lease agreement, I just moved in here pretty much on a handshake – and THAT was with the upstairs tenants, not the landlord. I didn’t even meet him until I’d lived here a month already. My mother has explained to me the fourteen ways to Sunday I’m going to get screwed on this deal. AWESOME. You know, could it possibly be that everybody in this deal is trusting like me, and if we all mind our manners and play fair, we’ll all be fine? I know, I know, please don’t start lining up the horror stories for me. My upstairs neighbors are nice people, and I do feel like they’re honest and fair. GOD I hope I’m right.
My mother then went on to explain how many different ways my husband can screw me in the divorce, now that I’ve moved out of the house. Well it’d be a new one, he certainly wasn’t very enthused about screwing me during the marriage. Not well, anyway. But that’s another story.
Then it was time to talk finances. People, I’m just SCREWED.
I know I did the right thing… I just wish I had done it… better. I guess I wish I had used my head and not just my heart. I’m just not calculating like that. I couldn’t hang around in the marriage and play nice while squirreling up savings to make my move, I just think that sounds so… evil. So underhanded. When I decided it was time to go, when I knew it really was, then I just had to do it, I couldn’t bide my time and play games, I just don’t work like that.
Now he’s saying oh yeah, we can still be friends only I’m not paying any support, and stuff like that, and there’s that knot in my stomach again, because the only thing he’s willing to credit me with is half equity in the house I know he ain’t selling any time soon. So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I have no idea. I am starting to realize I may actually be scared to death.
So what next? No money, MIA sweetie, feeling pretty freaked out. I keep telling myself I have done the right thing, I have done the right thing, I have done the right thing…