I need to get out of Utah

Okay, I am seriously cranky. It’s almost two o’clock in the afternoon, and it has been PUKING down snow since just after nine this morning. I am sooo irritated; I can’t even concentrate on my job, as evidenced by my writing this blog entry instead of working…

Many of my co-workers are discussing whether or not they will be able to get home in this weather. In that, at least, I am fortunate – for while I only drive a silly little PT Cruiser (purple, with flames – my husband calls it ‘The Flaming Grape’) I live only a few blocks from work. Worse comes to worst, I could walk home if I had to. I told everyone I could host a Pirate Sleepover for those stuck here – we could play Pirates Dice, wear eyepatches and say ‘aarrgh’ a lot. We could even have a POC movie marathon.

I don’t think anybody is going to take me up on it, though.

Bugger.

The husband is home from Hawaii. He wants me to feel bad that his back got sunburned when he was snorkeling with giant sea turtles.

I don’t.

He brought me a pirate T-shirt, which was pretty cool, and some really scary purple flower grandma earrings that make me wonder what he sees when he looks at me.  I mean, purple enamel, Wal-Mart, 3 dollar specials, you know? WTF??

I hate snow.

Someone told me to try and think of it as Pirate Weather. I know she meant well. But I almost punched her.

I need to get out of Utah.

Awesome band names

So I was scrolling through my TV channel guide, and I came across a show on the Sci-Fi channel. All I could think was ‘Wow, that would be an awesome band name’.
Sounded like a really stupid show, but a band name? Totally could rock:

BLOODMONKEY.

Like, thrashmetal satan rock or something. Ever hear a word or phrase and think hey, that would be a great band name? Here are a couple others I have come up with in the past:

Cloudy Sample
Fred Mellow and the Cloudtones
Shriek of the Platypus
The Unusuals
Burnin’ Fergus
The Skinpickers

These are just a few I can think of at the moment. Of course, there is always my ultimate all-time favorite; I envision an all-girl thrash band:

Penis Envy and the Snap-On Tools.

I, of course, would be P.E. herself. Call it my need to, eh, stand out in front?
What about you? Have any great band names?

It’s a small graveyard after all….

Okay, so in my teens, I was a bit… rebellious. Adventurous. Spunky.
Alright, let’s face it – easy.
I lived in the avenues in Salt Lake City, just a block below the City Cemetery, and that was where my friends and I always went to run wild and party. Back in 1985, I was dating a certain young man, and we used to like to go there for ‘alone time’.
Well, one night we got carried away, and in a wild and crazy moment, we ended up ‘doing the deed’ between a large shrubbery and a headstone. The whole time we could hear other voices in the distance, other teens goofing around after dark.

At a critical moment, suddenly a teenage boy came hurling over the headstone, landed right in front of us, and just kept running. We often mused later if he had even seen us there, in the dark, in the rush he was obviously in… but ultimately we dismissed it. In time, I forgot all about the incident.

Years and years later, as a divorced single mom, I was out on a date with someone I had met in my apartment complex. In conversation, we discovered that we had attended the same High School. When he asked where I had lived, and I told him, he was amused at the fact that I had grown up near the cemetery where he and his friends used to love to play tag after dark.

Can you guess what’s coming?

Yes, that’s right; he told me this hilarious anecdote about one night when he was running around in the cemetery, jumped over a headstone and landed right in front of two people right in the middle of ‘the act’. The dates and locations all matched up. Apparently, we had met before.

I almost choked on my lasagna… what does one do in a situation like this? Do you pretend you’re suddenly just having a hot flash at the age of 24, or do you come clean?
Well, I’ve never been one for putting on airs… I laughed my ass off and told him the whole story from my perspective. What are the odds, honestly??

He never called me again… shoot. His loss. He should have known it would have been a sure thing.

They Walk Among Us

Some great anecdotes my mom shared:

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again…same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.  They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.  
I walked into a Mickey D’s with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free.” “They’re already buy-one-get-one-free”, she said, “so I guess they’re both free” She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.  They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.  
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”  ……………They Walk Among Us!  
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh I don’t keep up with that stuff.”  ……………They Walk Among Us!!  
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”  ……………They Walk Among Us!  
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designe d to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.  ……………They Walk Among Us!  
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.  ……………They Walk Among Us!  
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”  ……………They Walk Among Us!  
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.” ……………Yep, They Walk Among Us!  
They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce  

Little J and the Big Bad Foot Funk

My eight-year-old, let’s call him little J, has a serious foot issue. Namely, he’s got a funk going on down there that could remove automotive paint.
I don’t know where he gets it, I make sure he bathes regularly and always wears socks. We got him those Sketchers that blow air up in between his toes to keep them ‘aerated’. But his feet are like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.
Now, everybody’s feet smell. We all know this. And I can honestly say I’m not overly sensitive – in fact, strange as it sounds, I rather enjoy my own musky sole-smell. I always have. People who know me well will attest to this little quirk. But Little J – I tell you, he’s got something going on there that’s just not natural.
Last week, the boys and the teenager switched rooms – it’s a long story. Anyhow, twenty minutes after moving two of his pairs of shoes in to the new room, it was so overpowering in there that his big brother wouldn’t go in. I had to don my spare Haz-Mat suit (remember my dad used to work in hazardous waste, and he was very lazy about birthdays) and go in and hose down the entire room with Febreze.
Can you imagine what it’s going to be like around here when this little stink-bomb hits puberty? I shudder at the very thought. Those paws of his could double, even triple in size over the next ten years – thus tripling their stench-exuding capabilities. Do I still have to let him it the house at that point, or should I have my husband start working on the treehouse now?
Even with slippers on, those little stink-stumps are so nasty, I have to burn incense when he wants to sit on the couch next to me to watch TV. It’s awful. He keeps absent-mindedly trying to put his feet up on the table…

I’m going to have to re-finish that spot.

Pirates RULE…

HOIST THE COLOURS!!!!
That’s pretty much it… good night…

Oh yes it’s Pirate’s night… and the feelin’s right…

Thank goodness it’s friday! The daughter is off to her dad’s as fast as she can go, the youngest is at a sleepover, and me and the ten year-old (hereforth we shall call him the Mighty B) are havinig a Pirate’s night in, watching POC 3, at world’s end.
You know, when I convinced my hubby to let me get the Jack Sparrow tattoo, it was with the understanding that Johnny Depp himself was NOT the inspiration, only his pirate counterpart. I totally believed that at the time. Most of Depps earlier roles. while notable, were only that – notable. It was only Captain Jack himself that really pushed my buttons.
Now, after seeing Sweeney Todd, I am conflicted.
BUT – my thought is that if I distract him with a matching tattoo of the GORGEOUS Black Pearl, then I will have the time to work Sweeney in at a later date.
And then I honestly wonder: when did I become white trash???

If my head explodes, who will watch the children??

I think I’m at the beginning of a long, growly mood.
It’s twelve degrees outside (oh goody! A heat wave!), my three kids have been driving me crazy since I walked in the door from a long day at work…

and my husband, bless his heart, left this morning for two weeks in Hawaii.

I have never been to Hawaii. In my life. In fact, I have never been anywhere tropical. Gosh, I hope he has a great time.

And then gets eaten by a shark.

He has already told me that the two signed checks he left me are only for emergencies, and that there is DEFINITELY no such thing as an emergency tattoo. I hardly think that’s fair. Any other time, he has NO CLUE what I’m thinking.

So, my kids are driving me insane already, and it’s only the first day. The school quarter ended today, and my high-school aged daughter-slash-burnout has failed at LEAST two classes. When I asked her, “Have you given any thought to the consequences of not graduating High School?” She gave me this half-awake look and said “Uh, I don’t get my cell phone back?”

UGH……

Then there’s my ten-year-old. Someone at some point made the mistake of actually telling him he’s unusually smart. Now he thinks he needs to baby-sit his parents because, obviously, it’s pure luck we’ve made it this far in life without his guidance.

His constant, persistent, unbelievably annoying guidance.

Well on the upside, when I can’t be here, there’s someone to take care of the high-schooler, who if not watched, still tries to microwave food with silverware in it.

Then there’s the eight-year-old. Now, every mother swears she doesn’t pick favorites, and I’m here to tell you they are all rotten liars. My eight year old is awesome. He’s got a short temper, a crazy laugh, and he’ll walk into the room and hug me for no reason. One time someone on TV was chewing out a bad, bad mime on a talent show and the judge said “Holy cow, where do they FIND these people?” There was a moment of quiet and the eight-year-old rolled his eyes and said,
“Uh, HELLO… FRANCE.”

This is what I’m talking about…

This is an email a friend sent me today. Perfect timing, considering my last post; you’ll notice that little saying close to the end:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September to May, you live in Utah .If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in Utah .

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Utah

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Utah .

If ‘vacation’ means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for the weekend, you live in Utah .

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Utah .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Utah .

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ and back again in the same day, you live in Utah .

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in Utah .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Utah .

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Utah .

If the speed limit on the highway is 75 mph — you’re going 80, and everyone is still passing you, you live in Utah .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Utah .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Utah .

If you find 10 degrees ‘a little chilly’ you live in Utah .

If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends, you live in Utah .

Remind me why I live here again…?

We are in a cold spell.
Not a ‘Jee, I think I’ll wear a sweater today, it’s a bit nippy’ cold spell, but a ‘Holy Jesus, I can’t feel my toes, my lips are blue, and another hamster has frozen to death’ cold spell. The kind of cold spell that makes you sing opera when you are filling up your gas tank, even when there is a complete stranger at the next pump looking at you like you’re a complete nutjob. The kind of cold that makes the snot in your nose freeze solid every time you breathe in, making your nostrils all hard and crunchy. The kind of cold that makes your dog SMELL like ice when they come in from the daily dump you have to shove them out the back door to take so they don’t sneak downstairs and do it behind the dryer (if there’s one thing worse than frozen nose-juice, it’s hot dryer-poo).
Remind me why I live in Utah again? Oh yeah, the Polygamy and winter sports. Only I’m not a fundamentalist Mormon and don’t ski, skate, snowboard or sled – although I do a great slip now and then. Usually when cool people are watching.
I have lived here almost all my life. And I have hated every…single…winter. You know, I can take the cold. NORMAL cold. 30 degrees, 40 degrees – no problem. I can deal with that.
right now, it is 11 degrees outside. That is just stupid. There is no reason for that kind of cold. I have my thermostat turned up to 75 right now and under this blanket, my nose is STILL running. STUPID!! Greatest Snow On Earth, My Ass. The holidays are over. Come on, change of seasons!
Around here, there is a saying- In Utah, we have 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
I can’t wait to see the first signs – the little orange cones, the dirty men standing around holding up shovels….