For 2008: Some Resolutions I Can Live With

Once again, a new year is upon us… and many of us will make that traditional list of resolutions for the coming days that we will, no doubt, fail to live up to almost immediately.
Well, this year, I have decided to be a little smarter (and more realistic) about the goals I set for myself. I have decided to look to my favorite film and television characters in order to shape my do’s and don’ts for 2008. Here goes:
I will be more politically correct than Borat.
I will eat less chocolate than Augustus Gloop.
I will almost always be more sober than Anna Nicole.
I will shower more than Hagrid. (And shave more, too.)
I will be less insufferable than Horatio.
I will be nicer than the Soup Nazi.
I will smell better than Captain Jack.
I will be more willing to see my own faults than Marie Barrone.
I will ruthlessly dismember less people than Dexter.
I will shout less than that Oxy-Clean guy.
I will terrorize less neighborhood children than Mr. Nebercracker. (Okay, maybe 1 less kid.)

There may be more, but for now, these are things I’m fairly sure I can keep to. Notice I made no promises regarding how good I’d be to my husband or kids; some things you just can’t guarantee…

Gotta get it off my chest…

Okay, so it has been almost a week since Christmas, and I have been a good sport. I have kept my mouth shut, and smiled, and put my husband’s feelings first, just as I have for the last thirteen years that we have shared together during this happy freaking holiday time.
Last night at bowling, someone asked me, right in front of my husband, if I got anything good for Christmas.
I completely vapor-locked.
I had been un-prepared for this question.
“uh… I got, uh… let’s see…”
I started to sweat. The question hadn’t been WHAT had I gotten, it had been had I gotten anything GOOD?
My mind started madly reviewing the collection of this years’ gifts: cheap perfume, wooden spoons, the movie he had already bought me last year. I could feel my chest tightening at the same time the sublimated rage was beginning to fight it’s way to the surface.
For thirteen years, my husband has asked me to give him a list of the things I would like for… whatever. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, you name it. And for thirteen years, I have honed my list-writing skills. Never mind that I can never hope he will surprise me by thinking of something on his own, I have accepted long ago he’s not the type, and I live with it. But the best part is I write the list, the highly detailed list, and every year without fail, he proceeds to get me nothing on it. This year the list came complete with web sites and prices, he didn’t even have to leave his easy chair. What happened? He didn’t actually LOOK at the list until the 23rd, and then it was my fault he didn’t have time to order anything, I had ’set him up’ (even though I had given him the list more than 2 weeks prior). So what did he do? He went out and got me last-minute versions of things similar to what I asked for – at least, in his opinion. NOT in mine.
And the best part, was how I got to spend the rest of the day being asked, “I did good, right? Right? Right?”
Thank GOD for egg nog.
Ah well, there’s always next year!

Message from China: Spacemen are after me

After bowling last night, and considering it was our last weekend night free before “THE CHILDREN” return home from their grandparents in Southern Utah, we decided to take in some dinner and a show. We drove across town to the Megaplex and bought tickets, leaving us an hour to find something for dinner, and spying a chinese place we hadn’t tried yet, made our way in.
(DISCLAIMER: This is Utah, people. You can find food an hour before a show on a Saturday night and actually eat and still make the previews. It can happen.)
Long story short, the food was better than we expected for a very reasonable price, and lots of it, and all rejoiced.
AND THEN…
the fortune cookies came.
My husband got a nice normal fortune cookie, the kind of thing you expect – “You will be receiving a promotion soon”. No big deal, right?
I opened mine.
“Aliens will appear to you in the near future.”
What the Hell??
No “Someone close is a great admirer”? No “You will embark on a great journey”?
Not to mention, if you apply the traditional “in bed’ to the end…
EEEW! Like I don’t lose enough sleep already…

Sweeney Todd: Depp can pull off ANYTHING

Well, I didn’t think it could happen. A Depp character as good as, maybe (dare I say) better, than Captain Jack? Impossible!
But then, last night: it happened. The Man and I went to see Sweeney Todd. And I say unto you: that man can do ANYTHING.
I had seen the stage production on HBO starring Angela Lansbury and some other old toads way back in my teens, and had really liked the story, if not the cast. I about peed myself when I saw the fist ads for the movie, starring none other than my favorite pirate ever. And it was AWESOME!!
NOTE: I have to say sadly that this film won’t be for everyone. First off, its a Sondheim musical. Secondly, it is easily the bloodiest movie I have ever seen, and mind you, I have seen me some gore in my time. Most people probably won’t understand the blood was way over the top on purpose, the symbolism of Todd’s thirst for revenge only slaked by gallons, and I mean GALLONS, of that visceral red stuff. And really, Johnny Depp, the singer? Even I was dubious. But I gotta tell you, he rocked. My loins quivered. My heart ached. My head almost exploded. I think I drooled on myself, and I don’t care.
On the way home, I suggested to my husband that perhaps I need a Sweeney tattoo to complement the Captain Jack on my leg.
He was not amused.

She’s Baaa-aaack…

Well hello blog world… I have been away for many moons, ever since this used to be the old iblogs site. I used to write, occasionally I managed to be funny, or even witty. I had readers. And then I threw it all away… why? Who knows? I’m fickle. Actually, when the old site went down and I lost years of blogging, I was so disgusted I had to walk. But I’ve never been one to hold a grudge, and since these days nobody in my real life talks to me anymore, I have to try to get attention somewhere… so I’m willing to waffle.
What will my blog be about? One simple word: CRAP. All the stupid crap in my life. You want specifics? I don’t think that far ahead. Come back and read every now and then, you want to know so bad.
I can tell you this: I am a sweet but cranky, open minded but opinionated married mother of three who works full time at a job nobody has figured out is wayy over my head. My husband is a crank-ass, my kids are twerps – but God help me, I love’em. I bowl. I fish. I eat too much chocolate and it gives me the farts something wicked. And I have a special place in my heart for Pirates. I live in Utah, behind the Zion curtain, and I’m not a Mormon, which makes life interesting. We’re the heretics of the neighborhood, which is actually kind of cool – the local children fear me, which I pretty much dig big time. I have two dogs, a blue heeler and a cairn terrier. Most of the time I like them better than everyone else in this house – but that’s just because they’re the only two who think I’m cool because I wear tasty leftovers.
Well that’s it for now. Tune in later for more crap.